Earlier this month, I had a conference with my daughter’s second grade teacher – initiated by me at the request of my daughter.
Three weeks into the school year, I’d received a call from her teacher, telling me that my daughter talked a lot and that her desk had been moved three times already. Since then, she’d been reminded by her teacher nearly every day – sometimes multiple times a day – to be quiet. My husband and I have bolstered these reminders by telling her, “If your friends try to talk to you in class, just say Shhh! Later!”
At the fall parent-teacher conference, I suggested that my daughter might need a challenge. Her teacher replied that she always had her Accelerated Reading book to keep her occupied, and I accepted that.
Because I wasn’t really concerned. If anything I was secretly relieved that my daughter valued her friends and that she wasn’t cowed by authority. I knew she was bright and capable of succeeding academically; being socially adept was a bonus, in my eyes.
But then, the day before school let out for winter break, all of her inner misery came pouring forth: How she felt as if she’d set a precedent for herself as a talker. How she felt singled out among her peers. How she wanted another chance for her teacher to like her. She wasn’t cowed by authority, but she still craved approval both from her teacher and her peers.
I promised her that I’d talk to her teacher. I assured her that I was certain that her teacher did like her very much, but that I understood how she felt and would explain that to her teacher myself.
During the course of the conference, which was pleasant and productive and confirmed my belief that my daughter was well-liked by both her teacher and her peers, her teacher mentioned that she’d inquired as to resources for gifted students, but that no programs were available prior to third grade.
Once again, I wasn’t really concerned. In fact, I was secretly relieved. Because I’m one of those seemingly rare parents who isn’t so sure that the sought-after “gifted” label is the blessing that others believe it to be.
When my daughter arrived home after school the day of the conference, we talked about her next steps, including reading goals and a special project where she could study something that interested her (“Space!”) and give a report to the class. I mentioned that she’d take a test at the end of the year, and she might get to do some extra-challenging work next year if she got a really high score.
“Aw, why can’t I do that now?” she moaned.
“Well, you are,” I reminded her. “Remember your new reading goals and your special project?”
Then I reflected on what I’d read in NurtureShock regarding giftedness – the surprisingly inaccurate results of tests designed to identify kids with extraordinary abilities as early as preschool: “The problem is testing kids too young, with any kind of test…Huge number of great kids simply can’t be ‘discovered’ so young.” I explained to her further:
“You’ve done a lot of things early, like talking and learning your alphabet and your numbers. Look at your little sister – she could hardly talk before she was three years old. Now she talks all the time. Sometimes it takes kids a while to learn things, especially when they’re really little. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re smarter because they did things first. It’s better to wait until everyone’s older, like third grade, to figure out who really needs an extra challenge.”
I don’t know how giftedness is viewed among kids now. I’m not even sure what it meant when I was a kid. Our gifted program included kids who were social superstars and kids who were social pariahs; I vascillated somewhere in the middle, depending on the school year. But as the years passed, I began to feel just as uncomfortable in the gifted classroom as I did in my regular classroom. Being labeled gifted grew to mean nothing to me, and it certainly wasn’t an accurate predictor of my academic success. Given the shot at a do-over, I’d forego the gifted program.
If, by virtue of a test they take, my children are assigned that same label, I will support them – academically, socially and emotionally – to the very best of my abilities and in accordance with their desires. But I will also take that label with a grain of salt, and I’ll encourage them to do the same.
Oh, I remember this well. I was “gifted.” But the “gifted” programs took place in the summer, and I didn’t want to do them. Flash forward several years and my sister desperately wanted to get into the gifted program (now during the school year with lots of cool activities). She couldn’t pass the test required. It took her a long, long time to think of herself as smart after that. And it’s a total shame because she is really smart, possibly smarter than I am, but she doesn’t typically test well and I do.
Good point re: testing well – a factor in so many exams students must take.
I’ve had similar experiences with my own kids and agree with you. My brother had an IQ of like, 200, and died at the age of 38. He was a tortured soul – just couldn’t relate to other people. I’ve learned that people so far out of the norm that way are as much at risk for problems as people with very low intelligence.
Also, as a special ed teacher for students with learning and behavior disabilities, I have to say that some of my favorite students were the naughty ones:)
I agree, naughty kids are often really interesting and a lot of fun!
I will just say plainly that I always cringe when I hear about kids being labeled as gifted. As you point out, there is so much variability in when kids hit various milestones and then there’s the issue of gifted being a label that essentially is a product of a parent’s drilling. Obviously, this doesn’t refer to you, but I know others where I feel as if the label is a function of copious lessons and tutors, starting in preschool.
I so much want kids to just be kids; to explore things at their own pace and not be labeled early on. Because just as being labeled gifted lays a new set of pressure and parameters on kids, I believe that *not* being labeled does the same for the “non-gifted” — I wouldn’t be surprised if that explicit comparison may cause some kids to give up and not bother trying.
-Christine
C, I’m fairly sure I’m not actually gifted.
But I do remember that *not* being selected for the program bothered one of my friends quite a bit.
I don’t see the point of labeling kids as gifted or otherwise, but I hope my daughter’s teachers will be able to challenge her when she starts public school next year (and worry that she’ll be bored and act out). She’s reading chapter books and doing 2nd grade math (multiplication and division) in her Montessori preschool now. She starts Kindergarten in the fall.
I think it’s gotten increasingly difficult for teachers to work with individual students outside the parameters of their curriculum, thanks to larger classes, more material to cover, and tests and evaluations that determine school funding. I hope your daughter’s teacher can come up with some creative ways to engage her in the classroom.
This is the crux of it for me. Every child has unique gifts, talents, and needs, and only some of them are appreciated in the traditional classroom setting. Then on top of it there is all the pressure to get them to pass particular tests, and so on. I wish teachers had more leeway to adapt their curriculum for each child. (Yep, I know this is why people homeschool–something that is certainly not a gift or talent of mine!)
Yeah, I looked into testing my 2.5 year old and was denied. Can you believe the nerve? Denied? How can I be expected to wait? It’s killing me. I need to KNOW NOW if she is a genius. Now. NOW.
Heh.
Actually, as we speak, my copy of Nurture Shock is bouncing along in a UPS truck. Did you review it here? A friend of mine who does not have kids read it and is passing it along – our conversations on the subject have already been interesting and I have not even read the book yet!
I *knew* my oldest was a genius at 2.5, and I’m sure I would have known the same about my middle child then too – if only she’d been able to TALK.
I’ve referenced NurtureShock in a few posts – click on the Books category in the Topics menu. This book is an eye-opener; I expect you will love it too.
As a species, we humans feel the need to label and categorize things. But once labeled, we tend to leave those labels and not re-examine if the things or even ourselves still fall into those categories. This is as true for being label gifted/non-gifted as being labeled a talker.
I’m so glad that you were able to talk to your daughter’s teacher about the label of a talker and (hopefully) resolve some of that for your daughter. I’ve been in groups where I was labeled a talker, and once labeled that, I would become self-conscious ANY time I talked, even for important reasons. I would also find that other people would talk as much as I was, but if they didn’t have the label of talker people didn’t seem to mind as much. It’s a tough label to have.
As for the gifted/non-gifted label, that can be even more frustrating on both sides. As an elementary school student, I was put in the “gifted and talented” program, and to me it just meant more work. I balked at that, and my mom helped me realize that I didn’t want to be in those classes. The level of information was interesting, but there was too much busy work and pressure. I just wanted to learn interesting things and also enjoy being a kid.
I’ve always though that you are great advocate for your kids, and it’s great to see your thoughts on this subject.
I got kicked out of the gifted programs at my school. Three times. (Why did they keep letting me back in?)
I HATED the extra work, I barely did my regular work as it was. It sounds like your daughter will be a more enthusiastic student than I was, which is really good. I think that one of my greatest weaknesses is my overall BLAH feeling over any kind of learning that feels assigned.
This is a great comment! I know so many kids like this.
They kept letting you back in, probably, because you’re really smart and CAPABLE of doing the extra/harder work. But you didn’t really WANT to and weren’t MOTIVATED to do it, so they kept kicking you out. I think that the latter is more important than the former when deciding for/(with?) your kids whether or not they’ll be going into the *gifted* program.
I know (some) parents who advocate SO HARD for their kids to be in a gifted program, when, like Miss Grace, they barely do the regular work and really don’t want any extra. At times like those, I wonder: Who is this program FOR?
Also: Underachievers UNITE!! lol.
xo
Tricky stuff.
When I was in the younger end of elementary school I was also talking a lot/being disruptive in class. I got sent to the next grade up for a couple hours each day and it was really positive and stimulating; I tested high and enjoyed the challenge. Then, as I got older I believe the “gifted” title actually made me lazier and less inclined to work hard, and by the time I was in high school my grades were pretty average. (or maybe I just got stupider…)
My brother had his daughter tested at 4 to get her into the genius school in New York. It sounds like an incredible school, and I’m glad my niece has the opportunity to go there, but I keep thinking how insane it is to test anyone so young. All my kids are bright, but they certainly don’t all display it in the same way. I laughed when my brother described the testing because it hit me that on a good day, my middle child would score brilliantly, and on a bad one they might lock her up. My son at 18 months could assemble a puzzle of Asia and identify all the countries, but could he have done that for a tester? I doubt it.
My own kids go to a public Montessori school. The Montessori approach involves teaching to individual students, so my hope is if they are ready to push ahead at any point they can, but in the meantime they are just in a regular class.
I think it’s harmful to label kids in any regard, even within families where they can get named as the smart one, or the pretty one, or the funny one. Kids should have the opportunity to tell us who they are themselves.
Thank, you, thank you! I SO appreciate a mom who’s not chasing the ‘G’ word. Our kids are who they are — faster, slower, shorter, taller, athletically talented, intellectually challenged. At MamasOnCall.com we think it’s our job as parents to encourage and nourish what they love and are drawn to, not push them to the front of the ivy league application line.
i’m already seeing the (negative) impact on my younger son of being labeled gifted. and he’s only in second grade. it’s definitely a mixed bag.
If you liked NURTURE SHOCK you should definitely check out THE OVERACHIEVERS by Alexandra Robbins – full of good info, but big bonus – HIGHLY ENTERTAINING. . .
x,
Paula
http://www.adhocmom.com