I may not spank my kids, but I certainly do yell a lot. Far more often than I’d like. I rarely go on an actual, full-on tirade – defined by me as more than two consecutive sentences’ worth of raising my voice – but it happens.
Why two consecutive sentences? The first one is to point out what’s wrong, and the second one is to give directions. For example: “You’re dropping food on the floor! Hold your plate level!”
Yes, I have raised my voice concerning the way my kids held a plate while they carried it to the sink.
I yell when I’m frustrated: when I’ve repeated myself more times than I’d like to, when I’m thinking about a work issue, when I’m thinking about a personal issue, when I’m trying desperately to type a coherent paragraph and one of my children hangs over my shoulder or grabs my pant leg or tosses a sippy cup onto my keyboard.
I have vowed countless times that I won’t yell. That I’ll take a couple deep breaths and count to ten before I say anything. That I’ll speak my two sentences only loudly enough to be heard. That I’ll leave it at that and move on.
But then the irritations pile up. Taken individually, they’re minor. In combination, however, they push me farther and farther, so that it only takes a small transgression to nudge me over the edge completely.
I know I’m not alone. From a recent New York Times article:
“Many in today’s pregnancy-flaunting, soccer-cheering, organic-snack-proffering generation of parents would never spank their children. We congratulate our toddlers for blowing their nose (“Good job!”), we friend our teenagers (literally and virtually), we spend hours teaching our elementary-school offspring how to understand their feelings. But, incongruously and with regularity, this is a generation that yells.”
I read enough parenting blogs to know that I’m not the only one who loses it more often than I’d like. Nor am I the only one who feels guilty about it:
“To research their book “Mommy Guilt: Learn to Worry Less, Focus on What Matters Most, and Raise Happier Kids,” the three authors, Devra Renner, Aviva Pflock and Julie Bort, commissioned a survey of 1,300 parents across the country to determine sources of parental guilt. Two-thirds of respondents named yelling – not working or spanking or missing a school event – as their biggest guilt inducer.”
It’s certainly true for me. I didn’t feel guilty for working outside the home, nor do I feel guilty now for working from home (although I miss my office dearly). What makes me feel awful is losing my patience and yelling when I should be savoring my time with my kids. Even though I apologize each time I go over my two sentence threshold, I wonder how raising my voice is affecting my long-term relationship with my kids.
Reading Leslie Morgan Steiner’s reaction on Mommytrack’d to the recent Dr. Phil episode – in which conflict was purposely injected under the guise of audience feedback – I was struck most by her litmus test for good mothering: “Ask yourself if you’d like to be your own kid.” In other words, whether you’re doing your best is ultimately judged by your children – not your parents, your in-laws, your friends, or a daytime television talk show host and his studio audience.
Given that my yelling is the aspect of my parenting I doubt most strongly and try most fervently to change, I kept it in mind as the likeliest complaint when I asked my seven year-old: “Do you like having me as your mother? Or do you sometimes wish that someone else were your mother?”
I assured her that I really wanted to hear what she thought, and that I wouldn’t be angry or hurt if she told me that she wished I were different. She replied:
“I love having you as my mom. Sometimes I wish you were in a better mood though. But I never would want to have someone else as my mom. You’re the best.”
I thanked her for being honest and told her I often wished I were in a better mood myself and that I would keep trying.
Then I asked myself the question Leslie Morgan Steiner posed: Would I like to be my own kid? Yes, most of the time, I would.
It’s not reasonable to expect that our kids will give us two thumbs up all the time. They’re kids and we’re parents; it’s our responsibility to set boundaries, and it’s their role to test those boundaries. It’s normal for us to get frustrated by repeated testing – really, how many times do I need to tell her to wear the clean clothes in her drawer, not the dirty clothes in her hamper? – and for our kids to get frustrated at being repeatedly corrected. It’s the endless parental tango that we all endure.
Nor is it reasonable to expect the minor irritations to cease or to stop being irritated by them. But as Aviva Pflock noted in the New York Times article, “the one thing you really have ultimate control over is the tone of your voice.”
So my goal is not to be the parent that every kid on the block wishes she had, but to be the best one I can be for my own kids – and to keep a smile on my face and a gentle tone to my voice as often as possible.
Would you want to be your own kid?
I don’t know. Lately, especially, because I’m hormonal and sick and pregnant, I feel like pretty much ALL I do is yell at my kid. Dealing with the inevitable frustration is one of the hardest parts of being a parent for me as well. But other than the yelling, I think she’s got it pretty good.
I had some problems with that article. For starters, it compares the way we yell at our kids with the way we’d feel if a colleague yelled at us. If I was having interactions with a colleague about lost balls of Fun-Tak, missing stuffed animals, stalling instead of going to bed – I would think that colleague wouldn’t last too long in an office environment.
There is no other relationship like the one we have with our kids, so you can’t really make those kinds of comparisons. And while I agree that yelling can become abusive and cause self-esteem problems, I don’t think we can really equate it to spanking.
Do I yell? Damn straight. Am I proud of it? Hell, no. I wallow in regret and self-pity after every episode. But my children still love me, and I sure as hell love them. Would I want to be my own kid? Tough question. I know a lot more about myself than my kids do. But overall, I think they’ve got it pretty good.
Ouch. In some ways, I’d absolutely like to be my own kid. In far more ways, particularly in that yelling department, no way.
I have conflicting views about this. I’m generally a calm, patient person, but I have two kids under the age of 3, and therefore sometimes – as you say – the irritations pile up and I have been known to “loose it” a little. I try not to yell, but sometimes it’s simply the human thing to do – when I’m so fraught and it feels like nothing else will be as effective. I agree, there is a lot of emphasis on not yelling in this generation – parenting quietly, feeding organic, everything natural, etc. But I can’t help thinking that sometimes we have to stop trying to be so damn perfect all the time. I don’t want yelling to become a consistent disciplinary tool, then again I think the occasional outburst doesn’t hurt…
I couldn’t agree with Lady Mama more. Yelling isn’t my favorite parenting moment, but sometimes it’s necessary. I can’t gently talk to my 3 year old about why its’ bad to run out in front of cars when she just did it. Let’s not forget that these little people have moods and emotions and thoughts all of their own and they will push for every little bit of control they can get. I think the important of having an outburst like that is talk about it afterwards and explain (as much as I can to a 3 year old) why I was frustrated and that I’m sorry I lost my temper. Let’s not forget that children have some responsiblity (again as much as a 3 year old can) in the situation. I feel like our generation of parents is always being told that what we are doing is wrong by one expert or another. I think the overall picture is more important. Like Julie said, most days I would like to be my kid.
Yelling sucks. I’ve done it. I do it. Although I don’t categorize myself as a “yeller.” I don’t think my kids would either.
My feeling is that so long as the good strongly outweighs the idiotic stuff we do, they should be okay.
None of us is alone in this one. Yelling is a quick, easy reaction to a frustrating, dangerous, or otherwise upsetting situation and we ALL do it – self included! Unfortunately, the Times did not choose to expand the article with tips and tricks to help get us out of the yelling rut. Even more unfortunate, it would appear from the hundreds of comments, the article left us with one more thing to feel lousy about. I do not believe that was the intent of the article, but it is how it came off in the end. Yelling has its place; I don’t think I would quietly tell my child to get out of the street if I saw a car coming! We all make mistakes and yell when a different reaction may be more appropriate, but we can use this for a great opportunity to speak with our kids about emotions and ask them for a do-over for a change.
I don’t know of any sane or practical human being who doesn’t yell, let alone a parent. I don’t like that I yell, but I do, and try to not let it become a habit.
Parenting is a continuous learning process and I think we’re allowed a few slip ups here and there, as long as we’re trying our very best for our children and ourselves.
Would I want to be my own kid? Yeah, for the most part, I would.
I joke with people that I have turned into the mom from Malcom in the Middle. I honestly think that having only boys does this to a mom. Boys are hard, yo! My grandma has 7 boys (who love her more than anybody in the entire world) but even in their 50’s all she EVER does is yell… it’s their dynamic.
I’m also an easily frustrated person as it is, and my stress levels most definitely get the best of me when the two kids (3 and 17 months) are being especially ridiculous. I often feel like the 3 yr old cannot hear me unless I’m yelling. He has an amazing ability to completely tune me out when he doesn’t like what I’m saying. I don’t like it when I’m yelling, or speaking through gritted teeth to my pre-schooler, but it certainly happens daily. I’ve started trying out some homeopathic remedies to alleviate the stress so I’m not in this bad mood as often as I am. I don’t want my kids to think I’m a cranky or grumpy mom. I want to be happy as much as possible for them. I don’t want to yell any more than they want to be yelled at.
Strangely J, I have a really hard time imagining you yelling. Then again, our face to face has been amidst the serenity and kid-free’ness of the Utah desert.
I think it’s impossible for a person to stay composed all the time. I’m pretty level and I never yell (primarily I think because it scares the sh*t out of me… I grew up in an environment of lots of yelling and domestic violence) but that doesn’t mean my frustration doesn’t periodically come out in other ways.
We all just have to do the best we can; and forgive ourselves in the moments when we can’t be as patient as we’d like to be. No doubt that by even thinking about these issues and trying to act on them, we’re giving our kids more than so many other kids have. -Christine
Yeah, I’d like to be my own kid. They have it pretty damn good! As one of the moms in the Times piece said, “I’ve been doing things all day for you!” That is totally my yelling trigger. ALL DAY I field requests for help/snacks/toys/whatever. If I ask them to do something, and get a blank stare? It makes me want to, yes, scream.
My mom was a yeller. No. Scratch that. She was a screamer.
That’s what I remember about her parenting. That IS NOT what I want my kids to remember about mine.
But oh my dear lawd, they make it so difficult sometimes NOT to yell.
Sigh. Every time I yell I feel guilty and wonder if I’m turning into my mother.
I don’t think my parents ever took my feelings/opinions into consideration as much as I do my son’s. (Not a criticism, just a sign of the times) So hell yeah, I would totally love to be my own kid.
And I think it’s okay to be human in front of your kids. The reality is that no one is perfect. We all lose it at one time or another. The important thing is being able to come out the other end of it– apologize, explain your emotions, resolve to do better.
My guilt comes in when I yell at my kids for a minor transgression because I’m upset, frustrated or mad about something totally unrelated to them. When I do that, I’ll definitely apologize. I want my sons to know the difference between me being upset with their actions and me just being upset.
But I think Formerly Gracie is totally right. It’s important that our kids hear that we, too, are human. When we do apologize, we’re teaching them important lessons.
When I saw your tweet about this – and heard about the article in the NYT – I said to myself, oh, I don’t do really do that, not all that much, anyway.
A few minutes later I heard myself hollering at Emilia about leaving the fridge door open, and realized, um, okay, YEAH. And, gah. I do this more than I realize.
I do apologize when I speak harshly to/yell at her. And I remind myself that I’m only human, and that the conversations we have about speaking nicely to each other are good and necessary, but still. There are moments when it feels as badly as it would if I’d spanked her.
Great post. The problem with LM Steiner’s question is that “Would you like to be your own kid,” really asks for YOUR adult perspective, rather than the child’s, who, as you note is going to periodically dislike you for reasons that it is your responsibility to uphold. And when we ask ourselves, “so, would I like myself as a mom?” we come back to the question of, “Am I doing the right thing for my kids, am I setting them up to be happy, well-adjusted, productive, caring, giving individuals in this world?”
And then I ask the question: “How good a parent am I to myself?” Because we adults need to make good decisions for ourselves all day long — ones that will contribute to our happiness and sense of well-being. And we often don’t. We neglect ourselves, and feel like crap: we beat ourselves up a lot. So for instance, Instead of being good to myself, I binge on five donuts and feel like a disgusting pig (and am much more prone to yell at my kids at such times). My mom would never have let me do that and generally speaking, it is unquestionable that we should thank our parents for not letting us live on a diet of sweets. However, perhaps it comes down to HOW we are denied sweets which determines how good we will be with sweets later in life and, correlatively, how good a mom we will think we had. if my mother never allowed me sweets, and was completely intolerant and lacking in compassion, perhaps even abusive, when I begged and badgered for food I should not have, I would say that is not the mom I’d like to have; I would rather have a mom who showed me love and helped me to forget my obsession through her delightful humor, resourcefulness, etc.
Which for me comes down to this fact: we are none of us perfect. We make mistakes with ourselves and our children. But how forgiving are we of the maker of the mistake? How do we recover? Do we self-destructively make things worse or do we know how rein ourselves in and move on to do better? If we can move in the world with self respect, a lack of judgment, curiosity, openness, calmness — in short, a love for the human condition — I think that makes us lovable to ourselves and our children.
I talk to my husband about this connection — our well-being and our parenting — The “you can’t love others unless you love yourself first ” rationale — and he’s perplexed. He never experiences self-loathing or guilt. This is a woman’s burden. It is society; it is our mothers; it is deeply engrained in us. I think it lies deep at the heart of the kinds of mothers we are.
Ooh, you took the words out of my mouth. i want my kids to feel good and safe and loved by me. But I will never be the mom who gives them peanut butter and sprinkle sandwiches every day or who can play with them all day, every day as they’d prefer.
I guess what matters is not whether they love being our kids now (although hopefully they do) but whether they can look back later and appreciate having been our kids.
I’m not much of a yeller. There are other things I do wrong that I regret. Don’t we all?
I agree so much with what you are saying here. But I also think that it doesn’t have to be detrimental to for a child to see their mom lose it with yelling every once in a while. In fact, watching mom or dad recover is a teachable moment. The world is not perfect and expecting your relationship with your kid to be perfect can’t be healthy. I guess it all comes down to frequency.
I yell more than I should. I can admit that. I’m trying to change because setting the example is so important.
I think I have 3 main issues as a parent. I expect too much, I loose my patience too quickly – and lately I have been raising my voice too much. And of course all these things are rolling in together. Like you, we don’t spank but I know my voice can be just as damaging … and this is something I have been working on.
I love you for this article. I’m not a spanker but I’m a yeller too! And I feel horribly guilty about it. I don’t have to be perfect but I do want my son to feel safe around me.