I spent much of last Thursday away from Twitter, and it wasn’t until late afternoon that I heard about the news being made in northern Colorado: a homemade balloon had taken off, presumably with a six year-old boy inside. When it was recovered, the boy was nowhere to be found – until he emerged from the attic of his home, where he’d been for several hours while the search was ongoing.
On Friday, CJ’s preschool called to notify me that she had a fever. Once again, I spent much of the day away from Twitter and didn’t hear about the incident involving a fellow blogger – Nicole from My Bottle’s Up, her son, and the TSA until much later. She’d posted her account of the screening on her blog, including being separated from her toddler son by the TSA.
On Saturday, the first rumblings that the balloon incident may have been a hoax began to arise. Falcon Heene’s on-camera response to his father, when asked why he didn’t come out when he heard his family calling him, was that “you said we did this for a show.” Richard Heene promised “a big announcement”, but instead merely asked reporters to leave their questions in a cardboard box.
Also on Saturday, I saw that the TSA posted a video of the security screening area, showing Nicole proceeding through with her son in tow. The video incorporated footage from different cameras at different times, spliced together. In none of the footage was her son separated from her. Nicole posted a response on her blog, acknowledging differences between her story and the video. She wrote: “What is shown in the video is incomplete as it leaves out when the security agent took my son to a separate area and out of my sight. This matter is one that is being handled between my family and the TSA.”
That evening before bed, I read the chapter in NurtureShock titled “Why Kids Lie”. Researcher Dr. Victoria Talwar posited that kids lie because they want to please us, by telling us what we want to hear, even when it’s not true. The book adds: “The other reason children lie, according to Talwar, is that they learn it from us.”
Yesterday, the Larimer County sheriff concluded that “[the Heenes] are actors…[they] put on a very good show for us, and we bought it.”
“[Sheriff] Alderden said the Heenes devised their plan two weeks ago to release the “spacecraft,” creating a situation where it appeared that Falcon was on board the craft and in jeopardy, in order to gain notoriety and perhaps further their careers.”
According to the article, it wasn’t just the parents who lied – all three children were aware of, and played an active part in, the deception.
Also yesterday, the TSA released all of the footage from each of the cameras in which Nicole and her son were in view during their trip through the security screening area. The time stamps match up; no time is unaccounted for. Nicole has not yet offered up evidence of her story – such as cell phone records showing the calls she claims to have placed to her husband and mother, as suggested by Sara of Suburban Oblivion – nor has she recanted her story. In this case, a conclusive truth remains up in the air.
NurtureShock discusses adult lying too – in particular a study conducted by researcher Dr. Bella DePaulo. Adults were asked “to recall the worst lie they’d ever told.”
DePaulo was surprised by the tales she heard: “a lot of the stories told were about situations in which the subject was a mere child – and they were not, at first glance, lies of any great consequence…Many subjects commented on how that momentous lie early in life established a pattern that affected them thereafter.” In some cases, people felt so awful that they “vowed to never do it again.” In other cases, people discovered they had a knack for lying, one that they could use to their advantage in difficult situations.
Did Nicole lie? We don’t yet know, though the evidence thus far isn’t in her favor.
The Heenes did lie. Both the parents and the children knowingly lied.
In neither of these cases was an adult’s lie prompted by a desire to please someone else. Instead, the objective was to attract attention. But the Heene children did lie to please someone else: their parents. While their lies may have made their parents happy, at least temporarily, they’re now witnessing the legal and sociological repercussions of lying.
I can only hope that now the Heene children will vow to never do it again.
OMG. The TSA thing probably being untrue? Makes me want to hurt somebody.
Further thought on the TSA thing: now either way it’s an outrage. If it’s true. If it’s not.
It all makes me want to cry, really, because I let my emotions get involved. I don’t want to be hardened but I don’t want to automatically believe every story… I understand what the Heene’s *tried* to gain from their lie but don’t know what Nicole had to gain from making the story up. I wonder if she felt she experienced something totally different, in the midst of stress? Maybe the truth became muddled? I am not familiar with her story, though, as I just heard some things about it last night and now here.
I commented to a friend yesterday that knowing so many bloggers in real life is hard because I see the real life, I see the truth when they are offline. I think many people lie on the Internet to fit in, to be someone they are really not (because they don’t like their real life), and many people do it for the fame and attention. And sometimes I think their truth has become muddled in it all, too. That makes it easy to just continue the lying.
Steph
(PS- and when I questioned what Nicole had to gain, I was not agreeing that she lied- I have not watched any footage or read any more about it, so I have no idea who is telling the truth.)
Steph
In a sense, though, even as adults, we sometimes lie to please others. The white lies, I mean, when we tell a friend the outfit looks fine or her child was no trouble at all to have over or what-have-you. We’re not lying necessarily to seek attention.
On our blogs, we might feel compelled to stretch the truth for a bigger laugh or a bigger in-your-face outcome.
That said, I am okay for stretching the truth to make a point on a blog post. I read posts knowing that it’s a definite possibility. But making up a story, seemingly from start to finish, that just makes me feel played for a fool.
Okay, I’m done rambling. Back to white lies and such in my own life.
That’s actually the sort of adult lie the book mentions as being most common – those that smooth social interactions – vice whoppers told for personal gain or even to keep out of trouble.
It’s interesting that you say “the Heenes did lie” but that “we don’t yet know” if Nicole lied.
While I happen to think the Heenes did lie, I also don’t think there’s any less evidence in the TSA case. You could actually argue that there’s more evidence against Nicole, since the TSA released all the footage.
As for why we lie, there are lots of reasons. I think it usually comes down to our wanting people to like us, or perhaps feel for us.
I say that in the case of the Heenes because law enforcement has made that determination based on evidence they collected in the home. They plan to file felony charges. While I’ve watched all the TSA videos and can’t possibly see how Nicole’s story could be true, I’ve yet to hear anything from law enforcement with respect to her case.
In no way am I interested in judging Nicole one way or another, and I do happen to agree with you about the Heenes. But I’m feeling feisty this morning and decided to play devil’s advocate. *laugh*
So I needed to point out that just because law enforcement says something is true doesn’t make it so.
All I can go on is by what I’ve seen. And since I’ve seen NONE of the evidence the police have, I don’t think I can say that “the Heenes did lie.” But I can say “I think they lied,” which gives me a little weasel room.
Fair enough. But I’d rather draw a conclusion based on law enforcement’s appraisal of evidence versus an outraged community’s emotional response, regardless of how much evidence we’ve seen (or not).
And to that, even I can’t play devil’s advocate.
The extent to which people seem ready to give Nicole the benefit of the doubt astounds me. It is obvious beyond ANY reasonable doubt that she lied. Saying you need to “hear from law enforcement” is an unbelievable cop out. She didn’t twist, massage or stretch the truth. She concocted a complete and outrageous lie to either attract readers or enact revenge against the TSA for some real or perceived slight. That, or she is mentally ill. Every single thing she writes from now on is tainted. I wouldn’t believe her if she told me what time it is.
Like I’ve said on other blogs, I’m less interested in chasing the truth or labeling Nic a liar than I am observing the fallout from this mess and how it’s affecting our community of bloggers.
The whole thing makes my stomach twist but I think there are some really valuable lessons to be learned here that will affect how people choose to blog for a long time to come.
Actions speak louder than words.
I am closer to this Nic/TSA thing that I wish to be. The real truth lies in the fact that she isn’t willing to talk to those of us who were her friends. Frankly, I believed the video, I don’t think the TSA would bother to mess with it and the whole thing reeks of someone trying to gain attention. I still feel like, even if she believed every word she said, she’d be trying to gain support from her supposed friends. But that’s not what is happening.
Anyway, I won’t say that small lies aren’t okay. I tell my children about Santa Clause and the Tooth Fairy. I’ll say, oh it’s only been six months since I had my teeth cleaned to my dentist, when it’s been a year. But this is more than that. This is telling a tall tale. This is the boy who cried wolf. This is a story for attentions sake, not to keep the peace.
People lie to get attention and sympathy. Sometimes they use their children as props–with tragic results. There’s even a disease–Muchausen syndrome by proxy–in which mothers purposely make their children sick because they like the attention and sympathy of doctors, friends and family.
It makes me want to vomit.
I’ve been reading that book on and off and I find it completely fascinating. Mostly because it’s one of those issues (lying, that is), that is very difficult to explain. What was most telling was how kids pick up on our own lying behavior – when we lie to get off the phone with the telemarketer, etc.
There are so many reasons for lying (fear, attention, avoidance – the list goes on), even in my own life, where as a kid of an alcoholic, I became quite a compulsive one as a kid – mostly to avoid the outbursts and abuse.
When I see all of this go down, it makes me pause and look inward. And then remember what I’m putting “outward” for my kids to see.
I may have to pick up that book. I have some liars in my life and my husband and I were just talking about it last night – their motivations mystify me.
In the case of balloon boy – it’s pretty obvious: fame, attention, glory. With Bottles Up, I still can’t figure out if she was lying on purpose or got so upset that she is very confused about what happened.
Either way – both situations are very bizarre examples of the new world we live in. Why do the infamous become famous? Why did these stories hit a nerve when so many others did not? This is my psychology minor talking of course. I am part fascinated and part repelled.
As I tweeted Thursday, “does anyone else feel like they just watched 12 Moneys all afternoon?” Is the world really turning into a Terry Gilliam movie?
oops, 12 Monkeys! Sorry Bruce Willis.
The Heene children may vow to never lie again, but how soon will it be before their parents force them to break that vow (or at least try to force them)?
Julie, i love this post. Not because I much care about those two events, but because of the insights into the underlying issues.
I know you didn’t write this post to promote that book, but I have to tell you that I am totally going to get it. If a book could inspire such a well-postitioned blog post as this, I want to read it.
Thank you for posting!
I agree completely with what Redneck Mommy said…. This whole thing with My Bottle’s Up makes me extremely apprehensive about the future of mommy bloggers.
A future that has been in enough jeopardy already…. which isn’t good since it was just barely starting to be taken seriously. Kinda feels like Mommy bloggers put a lot of work into taking two steps forward only to have a few bad apples knock them three huge steps back.
One thing I think members of the mommy blogging community need to remember before they throw their hands up is that this isn’t about Nic being a mom. I mean, sure, the story was about her and her kid, but her platform is a place to tell stories. There are plenty of bloggers out there who use their blogs as a place to tell stories who are not parents. All of their credibilty is also undermined when a blogger lies – mom or not.
Well done, Julie. I too now want to read this book.
The book sounds interesting and I’m putting it on my “to read” list.
With regards to the (most recent) debacle, I have to say that I’m a little concerned with the rampant hypocrisy in the blogging world… the way it acts and reacts to such controversies. I don’t think this hypocrisy is limited only to mommy blogging, but it perhaps best or most readily exemplified in it. Because of it, I have ended up withdrawing from the whole scene (since BlogHer 09) and I don’t really know if I”m all that interested in ever returning.
Is it supposed monetary gain that sparks people to act like this? I don’t know. Some of it reeks of something like Munchausen By Proxy, but instead of medical invention it is other inventions. I think these parents have mental issues and I hope that I never get to such a state.
Do people really feel the need to be the center of attention so badly, that we are willing to put our children at risK? I have serious doubts about the responsibility of “My Bottle’s Up” as a parent at this point. What the hell are people thinking?