I spent Wednesday afternoon lunching and philosophizing with fellow blogger Gwen Bell. One of the turns our conversation took concerned the recent Nestle blogger event. When a brand engages in practices that conflict with our personal values, how do we respond?
For some, the quick and seemingly easy solution is to boycott. With respect to the Nestle discussion, I quipped in a blog comment that I would make cookies with Ghiradelli chips from now on. But one person’s principled decision to boycott a company’s products or services is unlikely to have any large scale effect. Plus, given the web of corporate entanglements, that person is probably patronizing that same company in one way or another.
However, that’s not to say that a boycott is useless. Refusing to do business with companies who don’t share our values demonstrates personal integrity. We may give up Nestle Crunch bars (or Domino’s Pizza, or cheap school supplies at Walmart), but we gain a sense of satisfaction by practicing what we preach.
Thinking about conflicting values on my drive home from Boulder, I extrapolated the concept to personal relationships. What do we do when we discover a gaping disparity between our values and those of a family member, friend, acquaintance, or lover? I recalled this scene from an episode of Seinfeld in which Elaine discovers her new boyfriend is pro-life:
ELAINE: Oh, just this woman…she got impregnated by her troglodytic half-brother, and decided to have an abortion. (Waits in suspense for what Carl’s response will be.)
CARL: You know, someday…we’re going to get enough people in the Supreme Court to change that law.
Elaine can’t abide his stance on the issue; he can’t abide hers. Inevitable breakup.
As painful as it may be to end a romantic relationship due to conflicting values, it’s a relatively simple decision compared to ending a friendship – particularly a friendship that involves other social entanglements. It’s one thing to overlook differences in opinion, even opinions on issues as potentially divisive as abortion. But when it’s not simply a matter of disagreement but of disrespect for values held by the other person, it’s worth considering whether the friendship is worth preserving.
Only a few hours later on Wednesday evening, I read Romi Lassally’s piece at the Huffington Post regarding that afternoon’s episode of the Dr. Phil show on which fellow blogger Jessica Gottlieb appeared:
“Full disclosure here: Jessica Gottlieb is a close friend but as I said to her face after hearing some of her comments, I would hate her if I didn’t love her.”
The show was edited to play up the disagreement, but all equivocation aside, Jessica’s assertions boil down to disrespect for the values held by mothers who choose to work.
We are each entitled to our opinion, and it’s inevitable that we will disagree on various issues. Those disagreements don’t necessarily lead to differences in values; our neighbors are devout Christians and we are atheist, but the vast majority of our values are in alignment. Likewise, our disagreement does not translate to disrespect for one another.
However, if I had an acquaintance who disclosed that she believed atheists could not possibly behave morally, that’s not just a difference of opinion. That’s disrespect for my values. That’s a deal-breaking friendship-ender.
I realize that in addition to giving up Nestle Crunch bars, Domino’s Pizza, and cheap school supplies at Walmart, I’m giving up a relationship when I choose to let go of someone who disrespects my values. While it’s always uncomfortable to tell someone – outright or by omission – “I can’t live with you in my life,” it’s far better than living with the discomfort of a relationship fraught with disrespect.
Have you ever broken up with a friend after discovering an untenable difference in your values?
For those of us who live our values, it’s very hard to separate them from our relationships. I remember my shrink a million years ago once telling me I was being narrow because I broke up with a radio host whose dream was “to be the next Rush Limbaugh.” But I was like, how can I sleep with myself knowing he’s on air crushing then First Lady Hilary Clinton for her looks? Let alone sleep with him.
What he didn’t realize is that by attacking the things I value he was attacking me, and so it would have been impossible for that not to color my feelings for him. I feel the same way with my platonic relationships. We don’t have to agree on everything but if you want to shake your fist loudly and sanctimoniously at the things I hold dear, and there’s nothing left to discuss.
I cannot believe the timing of this post for me. I have been battling this issue with a friend of mine. We have been friends for over 25 years. And now, with Facebook and the internet, I am constantly being exposed to her views. Views which attack, belittle, devalue and disrespect me, my beliefs, my philosophy and my lifestyle. I don’t see how we can continue to be friends, although at this point, I am still trying to find a way. Because, yes it is so hard. Sadly, I feel it is inevitable. Thank you for sharing!
this exact thing is happening to me! i just went on a “delete spree” on facebook because i realized that what they were posting on that site was affecting how i interacted with them in real life.
i’m stuck with some of these people in many social situations, and i finally decided i would rather be ignorant to their disrespect. if it had been close friends or family, though, i would be so sad about it…
It is difficult, especially for someone like me who is very loyal to friends and family, to be exposed to conflicting beliefs. It is something I look at on a case-by-case basis. Some family are worth overlooking things, some are not. Same with friends. I think it has a lot to do with attitude. If you have differing opinions than I do yet still speak respectfully to me and others who disagree? I can still in good conscience be your friend. If you’re an asshat to all who disagree? No.
I should qualify that some things are not open to “respectfully disagreeing”… I’m sure you can infer what those sort of things might be. But even in those cases some circumstances, in my head, give the person a bye for being an ass, depending on who it is.
Obviously this is a complicated issue for me.
It hasn’t happened to me yet, but I think that the older I get, the less likely I’d be to remain silent in the face of true disrespect.
Also, I really miss Domino’s Pizza.
Like Heather, I’m very loyal too but I have had relationships dissolve because failed common values. It’s not that we “broke up” but just drifted apart.
I’m not a person who insists on surrounding myself with people who only agree with me, but I can’t be close with people who are strongly and verbally advocating for ideals that are in conflict to mine.
We are known by the company we keep. And if that means I have to take a pass on delicious girl-scout cookie ripoffs at Wal-Mart, then that’s what I have to do.
No one ever said it was easy to “walk the walk.”
(of course they didn’t say I’d have to give up chocolate cookies, either, but oh well.)
This is a really thought-provoking post. What the Nestle “conversation” on the blogosphere has highlighted for me is the fact that many people have their own passions, but we can’t possibly be passionate about everything. So we have to pick and choose our personal battles, so to speak. Otherwise, we’d be paralyzed in our attempt to always do the right or best thing. I appreciate what Nestle detractors are saying, but I am not going to go out of my way to boycott Nestle and all its affiliated brands because my time and energies go elsewhere. That doesn’t mean that I think Annie’s values are misplaced. I just don’t identify so passionately with them.
Regarding breaking up, I have a very good friend who sits on the other side of the political spectrum from me. We have now reached the point where we acknowledge that because we’re on opposite sides of the spectrum, we don’t have those discussions any more. I think we value many of the same outcomes, but we see different ways of achieving those end goals. It has made our friendship less than one hundred percent perfect, but on the other hand, what a boring person I would be if I only hung out with those who agree with me. I guess it’s a matter of finding that line between disagreement and disrespect.
I’ve not “broken up” with a friend for such a reason, but I know there are some points that I wouldn’t be able to give on. While it’s one thing for me to have a different political bent or opinion of public school vs. private, it would be a whole other ballgame to try to maintain — or want to maintain — a friendship with someone who was, for example, anti-gay or something as “major” in my book.
Regarding the Nestle, part of the problem for me, as a consumer, is I didn’t know there was such a boycott. Having learned about it and now having bought into it, sadly, there will be no more Quik in my house for my youngest.
My friends are select enough that it doesn’t really come up with them. Family, though, is a whole NOTHER ball of wax. I can’t exactly break up with family but I find that I internally limit myself in relation to them. In other words, if they’re really out of sync with me and my beliefs and they are vocal and disrespectful, there will be no real closeness between us. There is a wall there and that’s just how I deal. They are my family and I love them and I’d do anything for them but inside, my truest heart? Is Elsewhere.
Very interesting question. I really don’t know how to answer it. You make me realize that the line between disagreement and disrespect is so murky for me.
Being a friend in this situation is SO hard. I think I am very open and welcoming as a friend to everyone, but I won’t choose to spend my time with someone that tears me down emotionally or spiritually. Some things we can put aside for love, especially if you can peacefully agree to disagree. For example, one of my best friends is quite pro/vaccine and I am very against it. We both have very important reasons. I’d be there for her and drive her to get her flu shot if she needed me to, as much as it would not be something Id ever do for myself.
Steph
Steph
That’s a great example Steph. I think there’s a difference between having different ideas on vaccination, and your friend writing an article describing how anyone who doesn’t vaccinate is a terrible parent and should have their kids taken away. I guess I’d draw the line there.
Yes, this is such a complicated issue… I think one of the most illuminating examples for me was the presidential election. After all of the horrendous Bush years I was seeing things very black and white; it was hard for me to imagine anyone would not vote Obama. Then it turned out that our neighbors – who are wonderfully kind people who we are very fond of – are conservative Christians (we knew that) and pro-McCain. At first it was hard for me to make sense of, then it became clear to me we just can’t judge people on single dimensions. Relationships are complex and multidimensional.
But you hit the crux of the issue on the head – if you get to a point in a relationship where there’s no mutual respect in values, however they may differ, it may be time to diverge. -Christine
I just . . . yeah, I still can’t even talk about the situations that I’ve found myself in that led to the destruction of two friendships — both of which were 20+ years in the making.
I think your tag line sums it up.
Interesting points and well put. I recently faced this very issue and the result was the end of a friendship because, in part, of differences in religious views – though there were other factors involved than simply the differing of views. But I agree, having different beliefs is something that can be overcome, but intolerance of someone else’s belief is an entire different thing and for me, unacceptable.
Great comments here. Agree with Christine re: relationships are multi-dimensional. And fascinating how FB is affecting so many of us. I have declined to accept the friend connection there from my husband’s cousins who have all invited me. I think they are nice people, but I don’t want to be exposed regularly to their conservative values or to feel like I need to moderate my political or cultural comments on FB. When it comes to family, we have to be flexible on some of the issues that may cause us to walk away from friendships. I’m not going to let our clashing viewpoints stance bring tension to a Christmas party, which is a moment that is not about those contrasting viewpoints, but about togetherness, caring for children and grandparents, demonstrating generosity and grace, which is something we can agree on. Do I want to go out for drinks with them and talk about gay marriage, for which I am an active advocate, or how I can raise children without faith? Um, no. Never.
I agree with The New Girl–it’s especially hard when it’s family who has very differing opinions. My inlaws, who I really love, are very vocal about their views on certain things… to other people. If certain topics come up with my family or my inlaws, we either have respectful conversations or leave it at agreeing to disagree. But there is one member of my husband’s family who I think is a great person except that he has very disrespectful opinions about groups of people . We just don’t talk about it. I have to leave it at that. I do not fall into any of the groups, or it might be a different story.
It’s tough though. I’m definitely of the mind that (g)you do need to break up with some friends for a variety of reasons, and these are good ones.
interesting conversation. i try to be open to other people’s opinions because i think i learn a lot from other people, especially those with polar opposite views. the exception may be parenting issues and values. i have not ended a friendship, but i’ve definitely limited exposure to friends and families with different parenting styles. so much for my open minded ideals.