I had a mental checklist of parenting do’s and don’ts before I became a mother: I would breastfeed. I would institute a bedtime routine. I would not dress my children in sports team apparel.
My idealism faded quickly. Right from the start, in fact, when it became clear that I had a choice between a cesarean delivery and another thirty hours of labor. That certainly wasn’t how I’d planned for it to go.
Since then I’ve had to make lots of compromises on those do’s and don’ts – even that one about sports team apparel. But one that I’ve never wavered on is spanking. We don’t spank. Period.
I was spanked. Kyle was spanked. Like many parents who were spanked as children, we’re no worse off for it now.
But research from the Center for Child and Family Policy at Duke University shows that’s not always the case. The study described on CNN.com covered “more than 2,500 toddlers from low-income families” and found that “children who were spanked as 1-year-olds tended to behave more aggressively at age 2, and did not perform as well as other children on a test measuring thinking skills at age 3.”
Spanking remains a common method of discipline “among parents who were spanked themselves, who live in the South, and/or who identify themselves as conservative Christians.” The study noted that “previous research had also found that parents who spank are more likely to be younger, less educated, single, and/or depressed and stressed.”
I’ve never accepted explanations of the “that’s the way it’s always been” sort. Any thoughtful course of action should be supported by reason, not merely tradition. To fall back on the excuse “My parents spanked me and I turned out fine” displays a stunning lack of critical thinking. Perhaps you did turn out fine, but is that a logical reason to spank your own children? Shouldn’t your own parenting methods merit greater consideration beyond blindly following your own parents’ example?
Some parents cite other, seemingly logical, reasons for spanking, most notably that it’s a means of getting their children’s attention when other methods have failed. I struggle with this myself, and I tend to raise my voice more often and more quickly than I’d like. I realize that yelling has the potential to do damage too, particularly if parents use hurtful words to add further emphasis to their loud voices.
But I see a vast difference between raised voices and the possible emotional harm of spanking. How can we tell our children not to hit others when we hit them ourselves? How can our children believe that we will protect them when at the same time they fear we may hit them? Rules are often different for adults than for children, but should that be the case where it comes to spanking? I’ve yet to hear an explanation for spanking as a routine practice that satisfies me.
I understand the frustration parents feel. I’ve felt it myself, many times over. I know that most parents who spank love their children dearly; I’m not questioning that love.
I’m questioning a method of disclipline that breaks down trust and may very well cause physical and emotional harm.
Were you spanked? Do you spank? Why or why not?
I think that spanking is MOST OFTEN a parental temper tantrum. I don’t buy the story that there are tons of parents who ‘calm down first’ and then give the spanking as punishment later. They hit the kid out of frustration and anger. Which, you know, I GET. But still. As adults, and certainly as parents, we don’t do many, MANY other things that we feel like doing in a moment of anger.
I was spanked as a child, but in a way I think was so atypical I hesitate to apply my experience to anything: my mom seriously DIDN’T spank when angry, and in fact she spanked as part of a discipline program designed to PREVENT parental anger. There was an extremely clear (WRITTEN) set of rules about which actions would lead to which punishments, and she said that for her it made it so she didn’t have to get mad, she could just follow procedure. And we were not only allowed but INVITED and WELCOMED to say (BEFORE committing a rule violation, obv) that we thought spanking wasn’t the appropriate punishment: she was big on the punishment making sense for the rule violation, and she would double-check before spanking us to see if we had any reasons we could give her why we shouldn’t be spanked in this particular case. BUT—my mom was a non-anger-inclined parent, and I am an anger-inclined parent; my mom was by nature utterly consistent, and I am by nature inconsistent. So I don’t think to myself “What she did, I should do.” And in fact in this case, I think to myself, “I can’t pull it off with what I consider the Essential Components, and so I need to think of another method that works with my personality and parenting style.”
Interesting disciplinary circumstances. In which cases was spanking a more appropriate punishment than other non-physical punishments?
When non-physical punishments (talking about it and reading about it, time outs, withholding of small privileges, withholding of large privileges, that sort of thing) had all failed.
And we were spanked immediately (that is, with no intermediate steps of grounding, though of course still the extensive training through discussion and books) as punishment for physical violence to others. I realize this is absolutely beyond the realm of understanding to a lot of people, but I can tell you I never felt like spanking was physical violence. Nor did I, for example, think that my parents could hit me because they were bigger than me, or that I could hit other people because they hit me (in fact, I would never have thought to use the word “hit,” and am using it only because that’s how people use it when they’re assuming terrible consequences)—just as I never thought that because my parents grounded me that meant I was allowed to ground other people.
I think the difference here must be in what people are calling spanking. My parents never once grabbed me in anger or hit me in anger. Nor did they yell. Nor in fact did they get angry much at all—neither of them have much in the way of tempers, but also they’d made a system that worked.
But as I’ve already said, I consider my situation so atypical as to be irrelevant.
Wow! So, they really DO exist! I was all, ‘I don’t BUY that!’ lol I still think, though, that your mom was in the minority, as far as the whole Spanking While Rational thing goes. At least in my (somewhat but not TOTALLY limited experience.)
I think Swistle’s case is definitely *not* the norm – both how the punishment was carried out, and the analysis that went into determining it beforehand.
I have spanked. I too, was really idealistic about what I would or wouldn’t do, and since I was er, “inappropriately spanked” as a child, I vowed never to do the same to my own children.
Then I had kid number one. The one with aspergers and absolutely no ability to empathize. The one who would bite me and head butt me and hit and bit her sister(s) on a regular basis. While screaming and breaking things. I tried EVERYTHING with that kid. EVERYTHING. Including spanking, mostly to show her that YES IT DOES IN FACT HURT. (Did it work? Eh-Sort of. )
Second kid responded to time outs perfectly and never had a need for any other type of discipline. The third got a smack on the butt when she was two for doing something life threatening, and after that, just the “threat” of a spanking was enough to remind her not to repeat a specific action. I am conflicted about the violence issue myself, ( really not what I want to be teaching) and am very careful not to hit anyone in anger, but I’m not 100% anti-spanking anymore. This is going to sound awful, but some kids just respond better to different things than others. Especially toddlers-not babies, mind you- who are not at the point where reason and conversation and explanations of why we don’t run in the road will make any difference yet.
I haven’t faced the same sorts of challenges myself, so I don’t feel comfortable passing judgment on your personal individual situation. But when I imagine my own toddler running into the street, while I can understand the reflexive reaction to spank him in order to send the message that he must never do run into the street, I can’t imagine that he would actually GET that message. Hence I still can’t support spanking.
I just have to add- that article you linked to? Another one of those studies that to me, doesn’t show actual merit because it was focused on low income families, who probably have many other factors in common besides a tendency to spank, which would also cause their children to become more aggressive and test worse. (Like-ahem- dietary factors for example…)
I’d like to see a study done on educated, average income families who occasionally spank in a pre-determined punishment type, non-abusive or anger driven way.
The CNN.com piece noted that the study was done on low-income families because spanking is more prevalent in those circumstances.
I’m sure it IS, and I’m also pretty sure its a different KIND of spanking than what I am referring to in those circumstances- for the most part. I live in the south and I have seen lots of moms “pop” their kids or swat them in the MOUTH for talking back or other misbehavior that *I* don’t feel warrants a spanking. And, its still hard to say the behavior/aggression etc is CAUSED by the spanking just because these groups spank more. It could be caused by any number of low-income issues, or by spanking combined with lack of any OTHER discipline as well, if that makes sense.
Very timely post, seeing as I came closer to spanking Declan the other night than I have ever. I had to walk away and calm down. People who spank will say you shouldn’t spank when you are angry like I was, but the reality is, THAT’s WHEN IT HAPPENS. and just as you mentioned, that is not the message I choose to send my child. So while I understand all the frustration TRUST ME, no… We don’t spank. And yes, I was spanked.
I was spanked. But more time than often, my father’s temper took over and what began as a swat morphed into a full fledged beating leaving me riddled with black eyes and bruises.
That isn’t an experience I ever want my children to have. So my husband and I never spank. Although I’d be lying if I said I was never tempted by the thought. Toddlers instinctively seem to know how to push a rational parent to the brink of insanity.
I’m not a yeller either. My mom was a screamer. Whenever I raise my voice I can only hear her in my head and that kills any desire to raise my voice at my kids. I don’t want my children to remember me the same way I remember my mom.
That didn’t leave my husband and I with a lot of discipline options. Luckily, we are creative people who put our heads together to come up with discipline that worked for our kids and somehow my children have made it into their teens without having been spanked or yelled at (for the most part.) And they are good kids who are well behaved. (For the most part. Heh.)
I was spanked as child, but only a few times over the years… but it wasn’t generally in anger (it was usually me getting in trouble with mom, and her having dad mete out the punishment when he got home… so the DREAD was the real punishment).
We’ve never spanked as a means of usual punishment, but there have been a couple times, generally when what they got in trouble for was doing something harmful to a sibling they had been told not to do (you’d ideally like to reason with 2yo biting her brother for the third time that day, but a pop on the butt may be the language that conveys quickly that it hurts and she has to stop it and let go of him), or dangerous to themselves, though I’m sure there has been a time or two when the frustration factor came into it.
The way I’ve always described my three kids personalities was related to the safety covers you put over electrical outlets and how they dealt with them at 18-36 months of age. The first kid we didn’t have to worry about, just tell him those things weren’t for him and he’d play elsewhere. The second kid tested you on everything and would watch you to see if you’d stop him again. The third kid would have, if she had known the gesture, given you the finger before sticking her hand in the socket.
As Pando pointed out, kids respond to different things, and though it’s never appropriate to beat your child, I think there may be times that inflicting a little pain to prevent a larger one may be in order (if you’ve got a gadgeteer who at two repeatedly uses a butter knife to pry off socket covers and try and stick it in the socket, and if you can’t modify their behavior otherwise, I think it might be appropriate to spank them in a way that causes them enough pain to stop the behavior rather than let them “learn the lesson” and electrocute themselves).
As with most parental (and life) decisions, it’s not a simple one. I know that I generally feel worse about the times I’ve gotten upset with them and raised my voice at my kids than the few times they were spanked.
I was spanked very occasionally as I child. I (we) don’t spank under any circumstances. As you said, I don’t think it makes any sense at all to expect kids not to hit … and then to hit them ourselves. I want to raise my children to follow rules out of a sense of respect, not fear. And to question rules when appropriate, but that’s a whole ‘nother post.
Both my husband and I were spanked as kids. Before we even became pregnant with our first we both agreed that we WOULD spank our children. Did I liked being spanked? No, but I thought it made me the person I am today (and of course I think very highly of myself ).
But the first time I spanked my toddler, was also the last. After a swift slap on his hand, my son started crying and then said, “It hurts, Mommy. Can you kiss it?”. I was crushed. I was supposed to protect him from harm, not inflict it. I struggle with finding alternative ways to disciplin, but I don’t see myself resorting to spanking again.
Questions for the spankers: 1) At what point developmentally do you think children understand the message that’s intended to be conveyed by spanking? That is, when do they understand “I’m not supposed to do that” vice “Mommy/Daddy hurt me”? 2) What do you do when spanking doesn’t effectively convey that message?
I’ve hit my daughter once. It was not in anger, although frustration was involved. She’s 21 months old, and she’s a hitter. Just once, I wanted to show her how it felt, in the hope that she’d realize it was hurtful and not do it again. I didn’t hit her hard, but hard enough, I felt, to get the point across. Needless to say, it didn’t work. And I never tried it again.
That said, I do get angry a lot. And I often have to stop myself from saying things I shouldn’t – like, laying blame on my children when in fact, they’re just children. I think the words we use can definitely have just as much negative impact on our children as physical force. I see it in my sister in law.
I don’t walk on eggshells around my kids, and I don’t let them rule the roost, but sometimes it’s hard to find that “thing” that will make them understand. That same daughter often laughs at me outright when I put her in time out. I see the temptation in letting spanking be that “thing,” I just don’t think it works.
YES: “How can we tell our children not to hit others when we hit them ourselves?”
I grew up in a household with domestic violence — as such there’s no way I could ever spank my daughter; I can barely cope with raised voices. So your statement above hits the nail on the head. Parenting is all about modeling behavior. -Christine
I LOVE the New Girl’s comment likening spanking to a parental temper tantrum. In those moments that I wish we hadn’t made a pact not to spank, it’s always when my anger is swelling, not in the moments later after I’ve taken a breath. I wasn’t spanked as a child, except for two teenage incidents when I was smacked in the face and no doubt deserve it. My in-laws roll their eyes in reference to our decision not to spank and find it a personal affront to their way of doing things, but I just can’t wrap my head around what good it’s going to do to spank my child.
I was spanked, but there were well enforced guidelines. It was NEVER done in anger, it was done only after other methods failed, and it was only done for a) outright lying possibly leading to a dangerous situation or b) outright disobeyal of rules that would very easily lead to a dangerous situation (such as running around the neighborhood by myself before parents got home.)
I really think that it was effective on me, as I was cunning, clever, and very stubborn.
I have not yet decided if we will employ spanking with my son. It will depend on his temperament, I think, and like my parents will only be used logically, and as a last resort. Certainly 1 year old is WAY too young.
Julie to answer your questions directly
1) There is no easy answer. It is a very tough call to make, because you can’t know . You have to think and interact with your children as the people they are and make your best assessment based on the knowledge and experience you have. Each of us, and each of our kids, are different people with different personalities and in different situations.
2) If it doesn’t work you obviously give up and give the child to the nearest adoption agency… or you maybe regroup and attempt to come up with some other means of conveying that message.
Rambling Alert!
The point of any punishment, at least in concept, is to stop an undesirable behavior right? The theory of a punishment in that scenario would be to link an undesirable outcome (the punishment, spanking, scolding, time-out, etc) with an undesirable behavior in the child’s mind. In adults, the legal system says “if you drive under the influence you receive X punishment” but it also follows it up with “if you’ve been busted for driving under the influence before the punishment will be X+Y” because we know that for some people punishment X will be a sufficient deterrent for that inappropriate behavior, but for some people it won’t, and that behavior can’t be allowed to continue on. In children, spanking is that level of punishment you can’t apply across the board for general behavioral infractions, but in some cases it may be the punishment that “works” in making a connection in the child’s mind that prevents them from doing X or Y behavior.
Do you have any assurance that it is the right punishment? No. Do you have any assurance that it won’t do more harm than good? No. But again that goes for many other forms of punishment as well. I can’t say I have statistical evidence to back this hypothesis up, but I would imagine there are people who would have been harmed less by a parent who spanked them occasionally (within the realm of “not beating”) for an infraction than they were harmed by a parent yelling at and berating them, and I’m sure it goes the other way as well. In much the same way we can’t be sure that sending X or Y person to jail won’t make them more likely to commit crimes in the future (they may, after all, become hardened and/or educated into a life of crime).
Pain is an effective means of training in some cases. Burn your hand on a stove one time, and you learn incredibly well not to do it again. I know of many infants who have learned not to bite mom while nursing based on one single thump on the cheek. At that point I’m pretty sure it is: Bite the meal = it hurts (and not “mommy hurt me”). That said, nerve pain like the stove example is almost always going to be tied to the pain causing behavior, spanking isn’t necessarily. Obviously the “calm down” before spanking concept involves some time and at some point the child isn’t going to make an instantly recalled brain connection with “bad behavior” = “pain” = don’t do that… which makes it not necessarily the most effective means of behavior modification. How many of us don’t have a good instant brain connection with “yummy doughnut” = “can’t fit in my pants”? We KNOW it, but not in a way that our brain stops us from eating that doughnut in the way it stops us from putting our hand on the hot stove.
For some people, seeing a slaughterhouse is enough to make them vegetarian, but for some people it has no effect. For many people seeing a relative die of lung cancer is an effective means of convincing them to stop smoking, but for some people it isn’t.
As I said before, our three kids have such widely different personalities that each incident and each parenting moment has to be handled as best you can. The disciplinary methodology used with the very bright, very sensitive, but very prone to spacing out 12yo son is VASTLY different than what we have to do with the almost 4yo daughter who will kick, hit, bite, punch, and break anything and anybody when she is having one of her semi-regular fits. For the 6yo, if he gets upset/angry the best bet is to let him go hide under his blanket while he sorts himself out. For the -4yo daughter the only viable thing we’ve found to do is sit and hold her so she can’t harm herself or others while being as calm and soothing as we can till she stops throwing her fit. The daughter is also the one who will laugh at our punishments at times, and then it’s the struggle to find some punishment that will actually work (take away the dolls? nope, that one didn’t work. take a away movie time? nope, that didn’t work. timeouts? nope…).
Aggg… missed a closing em.. dagnabit.
I don’t. However, I never was either. Nor was my husband. For us, it wasn’t even a question. Now, I will say, I yell more than I care too. I don’t always think before I do it and I sometimes say things I wish I hadn’t. But dam, my oldest is a huge button pusher.
I was writing about this very subject not too long ago.
here:
http://myimaginaryfriend.typepad.com/richard_dawkins/2009/08/2151-when-things-t-e-n-d-to-come-easy-and-that-trait-of-yours-that-should-be-a-blessing-makes-you-an.html
(just follow along, it’s in there.)
Long story short–
i was spanked as a child.
And i’m against it.
I was spanked as a child. When my girls were babies, I was part of the religious right, and I was raised to believe that spanking was the ONLY way to raise obedient children. Once I had children (babies, toddlers) of my own, however, I started to deeply question what I’d been taught, and what was continuing to be taught through various parenting “strategies” and “philosophies.” So I did my research and explored different ways of thinking. And I pieced together a parenting style that made sense to me. One that centered on teaching my children, rather than punishing them, and one that started from the premise that just because my children were small did not mean that they were “less.” And therefore, did not involve spanking.
My girls are now 11 and 13. They have not been spanked (well, except once by my father-in-law … which was no okay with me). They didn’t run into the road & get hit by a car. They didn’t touch the grill and burn themselves. And now they’re two of the most respectful, engaging, well-behaved children I know (who me, biased?) I am very comfortable with my discipline choices, and I am proud of the people my daughters are becoming as a result.
Discipline issues are really hard for me. I don’t know what I’m doing. I can get the attention of a classroom of randy 18 year olds, but I can’t manage one 4 year old. I hate that. I’m still trying to figure out how to get him to understand somethings are just out of bounds. How to set boundaries he can understand. How not to turn into someone I don’t particularly like. I’ve failed a couple of times and he has been spanked, but I try very hard not to resort to that and to try every other thing I can think of (including locking MYSELF in the bathroom when I can’t manage for one more second). I’m still seeking a solution and I hope I find one.
I am absolutely 100% against spanking. I think there are better options and better ways to discipline kids. I think it’s hard and often times it takes more patience than many parents can muster.
And completely understand that many people have been spanked and grow up to be perfectly well-adjusted adults. That doesn’t mean it was right, nor does it mean that it was the best choice.
I know that people fuck up. I’ve not hit my kids but I’ve yelled and harshly put them in the corner. And even doing that I feel like complete shit. And quite frankly, the spanking out of frustration or in the “heat of the moment” makes much more sense to me than someone who deliberately takes time to figure out what spank and where to spank and how to spank. If you’ve got that much time on your hands to think about it, why, then, would you choose to hit your kid?
Am I the only one that thinks that sounds a little scary?
Right. It’s like caning as a punishment…I’m still trying to get over Charles’ comment about a nursing mother thumping a biter’s cheek. Whoa.
Have you seriously never heard of somebody doing that? I know somebody who bit off their mother’s nipple and it had to be surgically re-attached. Immediate weening happened at that point, and neither the mom or baby was happy about it.
Obviously I didn’t actually finish a thought there. I wasn’t saying that it was the best means of handling the situation per se, but that it was an example of a physical punishment which was immediately tied to the behavior and made for effective (not saying right or wrong, just effective) behavior modification. From quick internet research on the subject the alternative most recommended in that case (by the people who said don’t thump) is to basically smother the baby against the breast for a couple of seconds to get them to let go and then stop nursing. I’m not sure that doesn’t feel as ethically sketchy as the thumping does. Both are basically tying into the animal brain instincts (one the desire to avoid pain, the other the desire to breath).
There are many discussions to be had around “spanking” relating to whether or not it is an effective means of behavior modification as well as the obvious ethical/moral considerations relating to any short and/or long-term psychological effect it has on the child (and parent).
My husband and I don’t spank. My parents never spanked me, though my husband’s did spank him. I don’t see it as being an effective parenting tool. I use discipline as a constant part of my parenting, which includes taking preventative measures and teaching as well as correcting unwanted behavior. I also believe in modeling for my kids the behavior I want from them, and with that mindset, I’ve never been able to justify telling them not to hit, and then using hitting as a punishment. It just doesn’t make sense to me.
Gimme a shout 10 yrs from now…..we’ll see how your kids are doing then. I’d be willing to bet against you.
I’ve made a conscious effort not to spank because when my parents did, it was always out of anger and had very little to do with what I was doing (or failing to do) at that very moment. Discipline was inconsistent, random, and based on my parents’ whims, rather than logical consequences and actual rules.
i.e. Mom had a bad day at work, we bore the brunt of it at home later that night.
I witnessed/felt first-hand how quickly things escalated from the back of a hand to a leather belt and finally to a metal rod that was kept on window ledge in the kitchen for easy access. Once my sisters and I were old enough to fit back, or worse, just drive away laughing, their parenting and our respect for them immediately lost all effectiveness.
For this reason and more, I KNOW spanking is pointless and wrong. Yet we are at our WITS END with our 3 year-old. I’m ashamed to admit it, but I have come very, very close to spanking at times because it’s all I have ever known.
So far, the worst I’ve done is yell. Lots and lots of, crazy, because-it’s-all-I-can-do-to-hold-myself-back yelling, which I know he’ll eventually tune out and then what?
Julie, I’m wondering if you have read the by times this week. There is an interesting article on there…”when a parents I love you means do as I say”. Very interesting. I’m curious your thoughts
I was spanked, but only rarely.
I do not spank my children, although I want to occasionally. (Truth be told, I have probably spanked my older two each once or twice and I felt HORRIBLE.)
I think kids are better behaved if we notice and comment on the good behavior more than the bad.
Like Beth, I’m also struggling with how to get the attention of a 4YO for positive discipline. I know that spanking is not the answer. I am pretty sure yelling is not the answer (but it happens). I am also pretty sure that physically moving him around (to stop hitting his brother or whatever he needs to stop or start doing) is another way of using my physical power in a way that’s not fair.
I was spanked but not much. And I’m pretty sure I was a handfull.
What the Duke study doesn’t take into account (or this post does not) is that there are different types of spanking, and they are most certainly interpreted by children differently depending on the circumstances. There is spanking as a method of discipline — a sparingly used punishment of which the child is warned, and thus has some measure of control over, and then there is spanking as a means of communication. Ever been to Walmart in the late evening when not a few families with small children choose to do their grocery shopping? It was a real eye-opener for me, as is living in the south. Parents whop their kids for no apparent reason all the time, basically, it would appear, as a substitute for using words. It is sad, but it is a reality. Obviously, this kind of spanking is going to have very negative effects on learning and socialization. I don’t think the same can be said for the child of a parent who does not spank regularly or in anger or frustration, but rather on very rare occasions, and in a considered attempt to teach a child an important lesson.
Spanking always has the potential to humiliate a child, and thus is a punishment to avoid, I think, most of the time. But I can’t agree that it is always and invariably the wrong way to deal with a child.
I was not spanked as a very young child. My father did spank me once when I was about seven years old when I lied to him. He says now that it broke his heart to spank his little girl when she was looking at him, apologizing, and saying it wouldn’t happen again and that she loved him, didn’t he love her too? But he spanked me anyway because he and my mother decided that it was best to treat my behavior strongly and swiftly so that it would not repeat itself.
It worked.
Well, until I hit adolescence, but that’s really another chapter in parenting, isn’t it?
Hmmm. Guess God had it all wrong when He said “spare the rod and spoil the child”. My hat’s off to Duke U and their amazing insight, apparently seeing what our all-knowing, all-loving God failed to see. Bet God feels dumb now.
Go Duke!
An interesting fact that often gets lost when people use the phrase “spare the rod and spoil the child” is what the “rod” actually was and what it was used for. The “rod” is a shepard’s rod, and it was used to guide sheep to where they needed to go. Sheep are pretty dumb and don’t respond to being hit, so it actually was not used to hit the sheep to correct or punish them. The shepard’s rod is long and has a hook at the end, so that the shepards can reach out with it to guide the sheep. So I believe God wants us to guide our children, not just let them run free and wild. I do not believe that translates into God wanting us to hit our children, with a “rod” or anything else. In fact, I believe God wants us to turn the other cheek when hit, not retaliate, which I apply to all people, even the little ones.
I agree that the rod was used to re-direct sheep, but you must almost remember that Proverbs 23:13,14 says – “Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you strike him with a rod, he will not die.If you strike him with the rod, you will save his soul from Sheol.” The word translated “strike” is the Hebrew word for smite, blow, flail, and hit. It is a word used to indicate physical force. The rod referred to in these verses is also referred to in Proverbs 26:3 when it is applied to the back of fools: “A whip is for the horse, a bridle for the donkey, and a rod for the back of fools.”
So while what you say is correct, you have only told half of the story. The rod is also used in Scripture for hitting while correcting. Does the Bible advocate beating kids? Of course not. But it does tell us that it should be used to correct children …..even when it stings.
Hmm. Interesting points. Thank you for the additional information (and I mean that–I’m not being snarky).
I guess I’ll follow that proverb when I also go kosher. (Now I’m being a little snarky.
)
We don’t and won’t spank, even when our tempers and even our animal instinct may be to do so. There are a wide variety of disipline methods out there, and we have chosen to look into them and figure out what will work for us and for our kids, because it is true that different kids will respond to different methods. I just believe that spanking is one that no kid “needs” because certainly there is something else out there.
That said, I did just write about how I lost it the other night and yelled at my 2.5 year old. Yelled in a way that I didn’t like, but it happened. In fact, I yelled at her because she hit ME, and hitting is not done in our house. But I didn’t hit her to prove the point.
For me, it’s that I want to teach my kids to cooperate and to learn what is appropriate and how to determine appropriate behavoir on their own. This means that I want there to be more than just “obey these rules or you get punished.” I am currently working with my spirited daughter on what the rules are and what she needs to do instead of breaking the rules (Exp: Are you too close to the TV? What do you do? You move back.). I want her to learn to reason out what is right to do for herself, rather than just follow the authority figure. When she is doing something wrong, and especially if she continues to do it, there are consequences. Spanking just isn’t one of them.