I recently read an essay in the New York Post by a woman defending her choice not to have children. The essay itself is contemptuous and would appeal primarily to those who label themselves “child-free” (and conveniently forget that they were once “brats” themselves).
But I did find one point curious. The author referenced a question she’d been asked in defense of having children: “Who’s going to take care of you when you’re old?”
Of all the reasons to have children, that one never occurred to me. And of all the reasons to have children that are branded as selfish, that one tops the list. Spend a couple decades and a couple hundred thousand dollars to have a caregiver at your disposal? Seriously?
A 2007 USA Today/ABC News series of articles covered the challenges of caring for elderly parents. These pieces are both heart-wrenching and eye-opening as they detail the physical, mental, and financial tolls taken on the entire family. As much time and money and emotion as we young parents invest in our children, so do those who are caring for their elderly parents.
That’s not to say that the responsibility is perceived as a burden; the USA Today poll reports that “89% say the responsibility is only a minor sacrifice or no sacrifice at all.” In many cultures, such responsibility is traditional: children witness their parents caring for their aging grandparents, knowing that they will do the same for their own parents.
But it’s sadly illuminating to read these articles and realize how few of us consider the challenges that our parents – and, by extension, we ourselves – will face as they grow older. Children don’t go from being eating-sleeping-pooping machines to fully functional adults overnight; likewise, the elderly rarely become immediately unable to care for themselves. They fight to retain privileges – like driving – just as passionately and stubbornly as teenagers seek to gain them.
(Did I just compare senior citizens to teenagers? Why yes, I did.)
I watched my own grandmother drive her children – and before he died, my grandfather – to distraction as she asserted her independence by taking the bus downtown without telling anyone and buying two dozen pairs of socks on clearance at Elder-Beerman. I watched my grandfather hold fast to his driver’s license until he was physically unable to drive. I heard the story of a tragic accident involving a dear friend of the family who hadn’t yet surrendered her license.
But far beyond the conflicts that arise as privileges are rescinded for safety’s sake are the tough decisions that adult children must often help their parents make – or, in some cases, make for them. That’s why I can’t understand the opposition to end-of-life counseling.
Nobody wants to think about death – their own or that of someone they love. But consider the alternative, taken to the extreme in the case of Terri Schiavo, where the government – specifically, a Republican president and a Republican-controlled Congress – intervened. Senator Grassley may argue (however false his premise may be) that “we should not have a government program that determines you’re going to pull the plug on grandma,” but neither should the government override our personal wishes, as conservatives have demonstrated they are wont to do.
Problem is, most people don’t make their personal wishes known in a formal document such as a living will. I know about them, I’m an advocate of them, and yet I don’t have one. As the Schiavo case illustrates, living wills aren’t just for the elderly. Likewise, we ought to document what we’d like to have done with our bodies after we die, instead of merely assuming that those we leave behind will know (and will agree with one another).
The stress on the families of the elderly caused by these decisions (and the disagreement surrounding them) is another reason I can’t understand opposition to end-of-life counseling. Death is inevitable, and it’s messy and painful and often expensive. Why not discuss up front with all involved parties the desires of our elderly loved ones and the associated costs? If an aging couple wants to continue living at home until they die, they ought to understand what will be necessary – e.g., a visiting nurse service, rearrangement of living space – to make that a feasible plan.
But perhaps that’s why many conservatives are opposed to the idea. Just as educating teens on methods of contraception is cast as giving them the green light to have sex, educating senior citizens on the options for living out their years is viewed as tantamount to planning for – or, dare I say, plotting for – death.
I have three children whom I adore. I don’t ever want them at each other’s throats over “what to do about Mom”. I plan to make sure they know my wishes and can carry them out without getting the courts involved.
Do you have a will? A living will? What about your parents?
DH and I don’t have a will yet but we need to make one now that we’ve got a kiddo. We do have life insurance which is unusual for people in their 20’s. I know that all of our folks have wills.
We went to a lawyer and wrote wills, living wills, and set up a trust after our daughter was born. It was annoying and a little weird to be thinking that much about our own deaths, but it felt good to get it done. Now, if only I could get around to finishing the funding of that trust… We’re also working on getting long term disability insurance to cover us beyond the inadequate coverage we get at work. I encourage everyone to do it- it doesn’t take that much time to do.
My parents have a living will and a will, but I still forsee some issues as they get older, particularly my Dad. They are dealing with my grandparents now, and my Dad recently complained about how hard it was to get my (almost blind) grandfather to give up driving, and how they can’t get my grandparents to do any planning for the time when they can’t live independently. I wished I could record the conversation and play it back to my Dad in 20-30 years or so….
As a caregiver for my mother and as a Therapist in a carehome, I must state that just because you do have children, does not guarantee that they will take care of you. Many times I am surprised that there are so many family members or children, but I also do not see them until they are collecting the belongings of their deceased family member. I also work in a physical rehab unit in the hospital and find that more people do not have arrangements made until they forced to. Unfortunately it makes a great burden upon the family to decide on what to do, many times families that were once close, become estranged because of the lack of arrangements & wills. We have all our wills, living wills, finances arranged but only because I pushed for this, as my husband did not want to face the fact of his own mortality. Because of my experience, and my husbands actions, we have encouraged all our families to do the same. Only half have arrangements & wills in order. I think some people think that it is just TOO much of a reality to deal with.
I couldn’t agree more. The counseling and setting up living wills/wills is absolutely a gift to those who will remain. I don’t want my children to deal with any of the messy details, and I certainly don’t want them to bicker over “what would mom want”.
My grandmother’s decline was hard on my mother, so she and my father have been quite proactive about setting up wills and powers of attorney, buying long-term care insurance, and just generally trying to smooth the road for my siblings and me. I am so grateful and I hope I can do the same for my children. We have wills (it was very important to me to designate guardians for my children) but we need to put more of our end-of-life wishes down on paper.
(I hope Kimberly from Gav Menagerie weighs in — her husband has created a really excellent tool/organizer for all of this stuff.)
My husband and I both have separate wills. We also both have living wills in the form of this document that’s been fully filled out, witnessed, and signed. He and I are both fully aware of the other’s wishes regarding what we’d want to happen in case the other one dies, or becomes incapacitated.
It’s probably because he’s military, which necessitates that he be up-to-date on such things. Before his deployment, he and I sat down and had a very frank discussion with each other, and then with his parents. We shared with them his Five Wishes, which indicated that he’d want to be cremated and his ashes left with me, rather than buried in their family cemetery. Just so there wasn’t any debate about it should that occur.
My parents are also completely up-to-date about those things. My mom works as an end-of-life specialist in a long term care facility, so she knows exactly what happens to the families of those who are in the dying process. She’s the one who gave us the Five Wishes documents to fill out.
I have no idea what my husband’s parents are expecting. They’ve refused to allow my FIL’s mother to go into an assisted living community, even though she wanted to, stating that they’d take care of her. They’re not, though.
I agree that they “Who will take care of you when you’re old?” question is ludicrous. I have no intentions of “taking care” of my parents or ILs if/when they’re in that situation, and my parents know it. That’s why they’ve got excellent long term care insurance. And that’s why I’ll be getting it when I’m older, because I’m not expecting my kids to take care of me, either. Though I hope they’ll visit.
It’s not just the elderly. There are also terminally ill (younger) parents to care for, sometimes. My sister and I rallied around my mom at the time of her illness and death, taking over most of her primary care, even while she was in the hospital. It was then that I started thinking about having kids. Not because I believed that there was any certainty to or obligation for them caring for me in the way that I was caring for my mom but because as we were saying goodbye to her, I began to see the ties of family, especially mother-child, from a different angle.
My mom had a living will, filled out when she first got sick and it was INVALUABLE as an object granting permission and relief in a very, very, stressful situation. I imagine that even for oldsters, it is a relief to your children to not have to be in an awful position. My friend once said, ‘I don’t know anyone who wants to be on machines to live’ and I replied, ‘Yes, but NO ONE wants to be the one to say ‘let my mother die,’ either.’
Yes, sometimes parents who were expecting to spend their retirement traveling and being with grandchildren fall ill. Both of my parents are still in their 60’s but are terminally ill. They desperately need around the clock care at their home but refuse it. I can do nothing about that.
They both have detailed living wills, so their deaths will be well laid out and dare I say, “simple,’ but their lives right now are far more complicated.
On a positive note, my father’s dementia saved my mother’s life – her chemo nearly killed her a few years ago and she ended up on a vent for a week – which wasn’t supposed to happen. Lucky for us, my father couldn’t remember if they had living wills or where they were – she is still alive.
None of us expected this. All of my grandparents lived into their late 80’s or 90’s. Cancer, Parkinson’s, Alzheimer’s, have all been unwelcome surprises.
My husband and I do have wills detailing guardianship and such – and it doesn’t involve our families. That was a hard decision, but we have friends in the same situation of not having family they felt comfortable becoming guardians, so we are each other’s. We have discussed living wills, but not written them. Much has been discussed – especially comparing what we won’t do like my parents – but nothing written down yet.
ummm… you’re not supposed to be this rational. remember, your a BLOGGER. You’re supposed to be in a basement, wearing cheetoh-flecked pajamas and insisting that this “living will” stuff is some kind of conspiracy.
From now on, please speak in secret code. John has a long mustache. Or something.
Seriously, it amazes me that this is an issue at all. I’ve been involved in end-of-life planning before – and I’ve been involved in situations where one relative didn’t have a living will and when one did. The last thing you need in situations like that is to have to ask yourself “what did he/she really want?”
So incredibly important, Julie and something that we’ve been saying “oh yes, we have to do this” for years now.
After reading this, YES WE HAVE TO DO THIS RIGHT NOW.
It’s so important and while it might seem morbid, the alternatives are much worse.
I did these things before I went to Iraq (along with taking a Sharpie and redacting my journals from highschool and college). Luckily, I didn’t die, but I’m glad I prepared as I were about to.
this makes me want to go get life insurance and a will right this very second. so scary to think about this right now.
We each have a will, we each have a medical directive and I know my parents have them as well. I believe DH’s parents do, too.
One of the greatest resources for end of life care is hospice care. These people are generally amazing and understanding and comforting.
I haven’t read the comments so this may be in there somewhere, but I’d go so far to say that not only should we be talking to the elderly about death and planning, but we- as parents or even individuals with families- should be planning as well. You are right, death is so hard on the family. It’s even harder when no arrangements have been made in advance. And if the family isn’t wealthy and there is no life insurance in place… disaster.
My husband has life insurance and some basic planning due to his being military, but that’s the extent of our preparedness. “Make a will” has been at the top of my list of things to do since I got pregnant LAST summer but somehow we never got around to it between checkups and diapers and trying to catch up on sleep. I really should know better, as my mother is currently caring for both of her parents (Grandma has dementia, diabetes, hip replacement, lives in assisted care; Grandpa has Alzheimer’s, can’t walk, lives in nursing home) and struggles daily with defining what’s best/affordable/what they want/what they would want if they weren’t so confused. Seeing that first hand prompted Mom to get all her end-of-life ducks in a row to keep me from going through what she has. I should do the same for my son.
Thanks for the reminder.
I am in the process of getting my living will and trusts established for this very reason. My parents are aging and I am the only child who can pitch in to help inthe event of an emergency or a rapid decline in their health. Last year, my siblings and I gathered around (in person and by conference call) to discuss my parents wishes with them. We all have different personal points of view on end of life issues and I didn’t want there to be tension between us kids because I was the one who’s most likely pulling the plug (per my parent’s wishes) and handling funeral arrangements.
My next step is going to be pre-planning my funeral. Yes, it sounds morbid, but it totally makes sense. By preplanning, you can lock in your services at the current rate. I have no plans on kicking the bucket at the ripe young age of 37, but if I can plan for the disposition of my remains now at the $40K pricetag (yes, it costs that much to be cremated without burial), rather than what I can imagine it will be 40 years from now. It’s crazy that it costs us more to leave this world than to enter it.
I also encourage folks to look into Long Term Care insurance. Getting coverage in your 30’s is much less expensive than in your 60’s (if you can get coverage at all) and, in post cases, the benefit it portable after you leave an employer.
Folks should also check into setting up a trust for their children and designating the trust as the beneficiary for life insurance, disability, and retirement benefits and funds. It avoids probate issues should your kids be minors when you and/or your spouse pass.
*sticks head in mud* Am never, ever dying. Ever. I’ll be the increadable 2,000 year old woman. Yay.
Sadly, I’ve had a living will since I was 22 years old. After a bad car accident, when Morgan was just a year old, we decided we were being irresponsible to not have one. Especially with a baby. Each time we’ve moved, had another kid or added something to our 401K (ahahahahahaha), retirement plan or whatever, we’ve changed it again. I guess if I was my age without kids, I’d find it morbid to even think about. Three kids to think about changes things.
My parents (both sets) and my husband parents have it all planned as well. Right down to what they will be buried in.
This is a great post on a difficult issue. I have a friend who is a clinical researcher who works specifically on end of life issues. According to all her findings (which are nationally recognized), a living will is generally less useful than a designated durable power of attorney. Here’s why: a living will specifies what you want done in certain circumstances; however, anticipating precisely what the circumstances might be that will face you in your particular situation is almost impossible. Thus, many living wills end up being too vague, or not covering the eventualities that actually occur, thus leaving family members with no clear directions — and legally making it difficult for them to make decisions on your behalf if you are unable to do so. A durable power of attorney, on the other hand, grants a trusted person the power to make health care choices for you should you be in a position where you cannot decide for yourself. They tend to be more useful because you will generally choose someone who knows you well (a spouse or child) to make your decisions for you, and that person generally knows the INTENTIONS that would lie behind any specific wishes you might have written down in a living will. Assuming the person knows how you think, her research shows that the durable power is a much better option…for what that is worth.
Thanks for raising this important issue.
Good point. The power of attorney document came as part of our “package” with the trust, will, and living will.
The lawyer who did all of this for us also strongly recommended we have a conversation with other family members about our wishes, so that we’d minimize the risk of a fight between the spouse and the rest of the family. We tried to do that, but its hard to do well.
Thanks for the reminders I should really get on some of this stuff. It’s so hard when in our society, death is so taboo and scary and hush hush. I wish sometimes it were like Mexico where we just got it all out in the open already and threw a day of the dead parade.
Do you remember when I went skydiving at BCOT? I made sure that I had a will, and a living will too, before I made my first jump out of the plane. I was 23 at the time. Since getting married and having children, my will and living will has been revised. I’ve had two more kids since the last revision, and Rich and I should revisit the documents. But I feel strongly that my wishes should be made known if I should die (or become dependent on machines).
We’re saving and saving for our future. I don’t want to take care of my parents, I don’t want my kids to take care of me. I have very independent and active parents as role models (but I hounded them to get their wills in line a few years ago, thankfully they did just that). I hope that their finances allow them to be independent for a very, very long time. I love my parents, I don’t want to become jaded as a caregiver (I know myself, and I would resent them if I was in that role).
Anyhow, great post!
You couldn’t have said it better for a lot of us. Fantastic post!
In addition to making your wishes for your own life known to your children, it is equally important to make your wishes FOR your children lives known in terms of who will take care of them if you should pass away before they are adults.
Julie, your paragraph second from the bottom really got me thinking. I hadn’t considered that analogy and I think you bring up great points here.
I really enjoy the issues you bring up on your blog. I’ve been slowly introducing political issues on my blog here and there, but it can be hard to get the people who come to read the funny stories to engage in a discussion. I like what you’re doing here.
What struck me most about this article, beyond the issues you raise, is that she winds up with the phrase “if you don’t have anything nice to say…” after spending two pages ranting about the smug self-righteousness of all parents.
She’s right– we all have the right to make these choices for ourselves– within our individual given circumstances. Apparently, she’s chosen to be just as small-minded as the supposed zombified mommies she once called friends.
As for a living will, or how to go about getting one’s parents to admit they’re not doing such a great job caring for themselves any more, well, it’s a subject my sister and I discuss every time we talk– but we haven’t come up with any brilliant ideas. Keep me posted if you do.
But I’m an organ donor! And so are my folks!
And IMHO– everyone should be.