Tacy is beginning to think about Christmas. That is, she’s beginning to think about what she wants for Christmas.
“Mom, do you think I might get an iPod Touch for Christmas?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“Because I don’t have an iPod Touch.”
“What?”
“Santa’s not going to bring you something that he wouldn’t bring me first.”
“He might.”
“No. I can pretty much guarantee you Santa’s not bringing you an iPod Touch.”
“I can still ask.”
“Ask away. But I’d suggest putting a few more items on your list because you won’t be getting an iPod Touch.”
She’s seven, by the way. Even if I already had an iPod Touch myself, she wouldn’t get one for Christmas.
Her friend Emily recently received a cell phone so that her mother could track her down via GPS. While I do see the merit in that line of reasoning (and I’m sure my neighbors would too, after listening to me howl Tacy’s name from our front yard nearly every day this summer), I can’t even count on Kyle to carry his cell phone or keep it fully charged. I know better than to expect Tacy to do so.
So I nixed her peer pressure-inspired request for a cell phone too.
Kyle did get her an MP3 player for Christmas last year – a generic one, not even an iPod Shuffle. She abandoned it in the front yard one February afternoon, and Kyle retrieved it. She got it back for her birthday, two months later.
She has a Nintendo DS – a product sample given to us as a gift, and she’s taken remarkably good care of it. Except when I found the stylus separated from the DS itself and took it away for a month.
I don’t grant her requests simply on the basis of “everyone else has one!” Nor do I deny them simply because I don’t have the same item myself, contrary to my iPod Touch example. Tacy had her DS for nearly a year before I received mine.
I also don’t plan to grant CJ’s requests simply on the basis of “Tacy has one!” Speaking from the perspective of an admittedly still somewhat bitter oldest child, it’s important that privileges be granted in conjunction with the assumption of responsibilities, not simply because it’s easier to confer them on everyone at once.
Of course, Tacy had to wait until she was seven before she got to visit Disneyland, whereas CJ and Oliver were much younger when we made the trip. Family trips can’t be parceled out as easily as phones and video games. But she’s also traveled by herself – a privilege she enjoyed because she could handle the associated responsibility. It’s not a foregone conclusion that CJ and Oliver will get to do the same when they’re six just because Tacy did.
Some privileges are a function of age or height or toilet training. CJ was dying to take swimming lessons like Tacy; I told her she could as soon as she ditched the diapers. Some rides at Disneyland were off-limits to CJ because she wasn’t tall enough. I got my driver’s license before my younger brother did even though he mastered the maneuverability test while I was still crushing cones.
The three year age difference between Tacy and CJ (and between CJ and Oliver) should help quell many sibling rivalry-induced requests. They simply won’t be interested in the same things at the same times. Still, I’ll need to give each new privilege for Tacy much forethought, realizing that two more kids will follow in her footsteps and interpret my consent as precedent: “She got to do that when she was six, so I should too!”
Otherwise, all three kids will each have their own iPod Touch before I ever do.
When you were a child, were privileges and possessions doled out in a fair and just manner in your family? Are you still bitter like me?
Nope. My parents made sure to let us know that there’s no such thing as “fair” in life or in our house. When I was 6, my parents took me to Disney World and left my 2 year old sister behind with my grandparents, because she wasn’t old enough to go and enjoy herself. My parents never took her there, though my grandma later did, when she was 10.
I had to wait until I was 11 to get my ears pierced; my sister got hers done at 9. We weren’t allowed to have TVs in our bedrooms, though my parents did give me a teeny tiny (we’re talking 4″ screen) antenna TV that didn’t actually get reception. I also had a Nintendo Gameboy at one point. My sister never did.
My mom bought a new(er) car for herself a month before my 16th birthday, and held onto her old one until I got my license. My sister would have been afforded the same, except she gave an unlicensed friend the keys to move my dad’s car in a parking lot, and instead the friend took it for a joyride, crashed, and totaled the car. My sister got her license taken away for 6 months, and never got a car of her own until her junior year of college.
I also had to ride the bus to and from school every day until I got that car, but my mom drove my sister to school most days. She never had to take the bus after her seventh grade year. I was bitter about that… but I’m over it now.
I think it’s okay for kids to feel the sting of not getting everything that their siblings do, or at different ages. Yeah, I may have been resentful of the things my sister got that I never did, or the treatment and freedom my parents afforded her that I wasn’t allowed, but I’ve moved past it now, and she’s my best friend. Part of growing up is realizing that life’s not always fair, but it works itself out in the end.
My sister and I received very different rules and perks. I was bitter…until I had daughters 2 and 3. Now I get it. There is no even-steven, no equal, fair or right. There is just doing the best I can and looking at my husband post-bedtime and saying, “Damn, I effed up. Think they’ll survive?”
This issue drives me BATSH*T!!!!
History: I’m one of 7 kids and we were barely above usage of food stamps. I didn’t get my first stuffed animal until I was 5 and only b/c I had my tonsils out. We didn’t have toys, other than a ball to kick around (handy that we had enough kids for 2 teams) and used blank or filler paper and regular pens and pencils for drawing.
And we were happy!! That was our reality and that was fine, until of course, we started going to school and seeing what all our other friends had.
We experience the same thing with Laurel — there’s a lot of affluence at her day care and her friends have lots of stuff (especially electronic stuff). It bugs me out. I mean, yes, she has lots of stuff too, by virtue of us being in a better position in life than my parents were (though I tend to get her art supplies and constructive things) + there’s all of her aunts and uncles who shower her with things (no doubt in part making up for our childhood…).
Stand tough on these things. And also, about the cell phone — I’ve heard that tweens outsmart the GPS thing by leaving the cell phone at the determined friend’s location then they go elsewhere (and later say they couldn’t hear the phone). So that justification no longer holds water…
-Christine
YES, I am so STILL the bitter older sister. Yes, it was easier for my mom to confer the same rights to my younger sis as she gave them to me, but it just. didn’t. seem. fair.
I was JUST thinking about this the other night! I am 5 years older than my sister and I spent my entire childhood tallying up how long I had to wait for everything, when my sister did not. This tally included hair cuts, ear piercings, tape players, perms (80s much?) and cars. I had to wait frocking forever for everything, and then essentially paved the path for my sister. Which I resented (can you tell??) Now, I laugh because that is simply the lot in life for Older Siblings.
My children are 20 months apart and are a boy/girl combo, I sometimes wonder how this issue will play out with them. I do try to tone things down and keep our activities limited to only what they both can do – i.e. at amusement parks, we keep away from the bigger rides that my daughter may want to ride since she is still too little. My son is not a daredevil, so it is not like he is deprived. Eh.
Also, for the record, my child is most certainly not getting a Nintendo DS before I get one. Hell no.
I am definitely an “admittedly still somewhat bitter oldest child.” My sister got the CAR before I did. The red sunfire. I got it later, as a HAND ME DOWN. But, I’m not bitter….
BostonMamas,
re: the “kids not hearing the cell phone”, I have a friend with kids in this situation and the rule is simple. If the kid misses the call, there are serious consequences. Therefore, the kid better make sure he/she can *always* hear the call. And the kid does! It cracked me up when my friend told me that rule. She doesn’t mess around.
I don’t remember feeling bitter, but then again I was the younger sister and I only have one brother. Maybe he feels bitter that I got to do things earlier than he did, who knows?
There is no way that I will be getting my 7-year-old a cell phone. She does take fairly good care of her stuff, but no on the phone. My son (5) tends to lose or wreck his things if I don’t put them up when he’s finished using them. I’m hoping he’ll learn responsibility soon…although I guess I’m not helping him learn if I’m the one taking care of his stuff for him.
I was an only child and a wee bit spoiled. It really does make life harder as you age. I hope to raise my boys with an accurate sense of how the real world operates.
I have 5 boys. They will get expensive items when they can earn them by doing chores. My oldest is 10, and is one of the only boys in his peer group without a cell phone or ipod. He doesn’t want it enough to work for it.
And I give them rules based on their individual level of maturity. Actions have consequences for kids and adults alike, if one is a slob, he isn’t getting trusted with items until he straightens up.
Dude, I sound awfully harsh. heh. (slinks away)
In my house, it was never “fair” because the three boys always received far more freedom and items of desire than the two girls did. And the two girls did far more work than the boys. It sucked. That said, it is the two girls who have achieved the “most” as adults. We take responsibility for what we have and what we do. The “boys,” not so much. In fact, not even close.
As for raising my own kids, just by virtue of having been worn down over the years, the youngest does get receive things/time/responsibilities/etc. a tad earlier than the older two.
My younger sibs both got CARS and I never did. Just by the nature of where they lived at the time and where they went to college, this actually wasn’t as HIDEOUSLY UNFAIR as I might have believed at the time. Sort of.
Now my little sister is getting married and my parents and I were trying to recall how much $ they gave me for my wedding. I was the one who told them to give her more, because, you know, inflation. I know! I am so generous! (with other people’s money!)
(Yes, Jo has asked for a phone “and you pay the bill every month too.” Not a chance, kid!)
I honestly don’t remember but I know based on how my parents are with us and our children now, I’m sure there was quite a bit of equality in gifts that we were given. Despite our age gap, I think we got a lot of things at the same time (as opposed to me getting the same things at the same age as she did). I distinctly remember our “ghetto blasters”…mine was a dark maroon, hers was a purplish pink. We had to have gotten those as gifts at the same time.
Almost to a fault, my parents steered us in different directions when cultivating our interests. As we got older, I became the athlete. She was the musician. Even though I went away to soccer tournaments (mostly in California, though there was one in Hawaii) that cost quite a bit of money, I’m sure those expenses paled in comparison to her trips to Australia and Eastern Europe with her youth symphony.
Looking back now, neither of us were spoiled on a day-to-day basis (we didn’t wear designer clothes like so many of my friends, we weren’t bought cars when we turned 16…or ever for that matter) but we were allowed to pursue things that were of interest to us as individuals. My parents didn’t always get it right but overall, I like that approach much more than a cookie cutter one.
i am so totally bitter. ok, not totally, but a little bit. two things from my childhood and early adulthood really still bug me.
#1 I wasn’t allowed to shave my legs until high school (hello, embarrassing?!), yet my sister, 2 years my junior, was allowed to start shaving her legs the same day as me.
#2 My parents have sent my three younger siblings to Europe for extended periods of time (and in some cases more than once). I mentioned it (in passing, not to be accusatory) to my parents once – my mom gave me the ‘life’s not fair & you have plenty to be happy about’ line. My dad felt guilty enough to say he’d like to send my husband and me on a nice vacation to Europe to make up for the oversight… but that was 6 years ago and I can’t bring myself to broach the subject again. I figured if he really meant it (or could get it past my mom, HA) he’d have said something again later. Plus, it’s not like we could just take off and go to Europe now anyways.
I think my mom tried to be pretty fair. In the case of my brothers, she had to because they are identical twins and god forbid anything not be fair.
My younger daughter is constantly saying but she gets it, why don’t I? Well hi, she’s nearly three years older than you, so deal. My son is so much younger than the girls, so I don’t think it will be an issue with him.
I don’t know, I think it works it’s way out in the end. Then again I’m the oldest, so I’m the wrong one to ask.
They were FAIRLY fair. not 100%, but I do know that we all got a boom box for our 12th birthday, a stereo for our 14th and there was another “big deal” somewhere in there, too. Oh, and we all got our ears pierced in 2nd grade and could get any haircut or perm (ack!) we wanted in 5th grade.
I am so glad I have only 1 girl! The boys still don’t care about these things…
Growing up with a seester 13 months younger than me we got things at the same time. My parents pretty much weren’t allowed to give me something without getting one for my sis too. Otherwise she’d beat me up.
My parents had to be so careful with money, I never had what “all the kids” had.
I’m a bit alarmed now at how much kids have at such a young age now. Even my kids, who don’t have all the bells and whistle stuff have a lot more than I ever had. My 8yo has asked for a DS (NO), a phone (no), an ipod (yes, John got a shuffle free from a work vendor) and probably a bunch of other stuff I can’t remember.
Her friend went back to school after the Christmas break and THE TEACHER asked the class who got a DS for Christmas. Every hand shot up except for this little girl. Talk about peer pressure, starting from the top, eh?
My parents managed an admirable mix of “Older children get things first,” “Sometimes all the children get something the same TIME rather than the same AGE,” and “Sometimes life is unfair, so stop the complaining.” The one thing I still resent is that when I was a teenager my interactions with the opposite sex were controlled BEYOND strictly (no seeing boys without adult supervision, and only after/before certain times of day, and never ever ever in my room)—but when my younger brother was a teenager he was allowed to go on CO-ED OVERNIGHT CAMPING TRIPS.
My story mirrors Boston Mamas. As #6 of 8, I honestly can’t remember having toys growing up. I had brothers to play with.
I’m the 1st girl born after 5 boys & yes, I wore their hand me downs. Thankfully, I had older girl cousins to get old clothes from too.
We never had tv’s in our room either. Beds are for sleeping. Not watching tv. I still don’t have an iPod. My cell phone is a prepaid trac-phone. We never had all the best stuff growing up, but y’know what? We were loved. and wanted. Who needs a cell phone or a blackberry? I had 5 older brothers. All of whom stand well above 6 feet. If I yelled loud enough, someone in my family would hear me.
Maggie is asking for a DS for either Christmas or her birthday. Joe will probably cave & get it for her. She’s 6 for crissakes.