Parenthood, from the very beginning, requires us to face our fears. Will I have a miscarriage? Will my baby be healthy? Will I survive childbirth with my dignity and lady-parts intact? Adoptive parents struggle similarly as they agonize over whether they will even get a baby. Once we bring that treasured baby home, we realize our earlier worries were just a warm-up.
For eight years – since I discovered I was pregnant with Tacy – I’ve sought to examine my fears, addressing the rational ones and dismissing the irrational ones. I’ve fostered Tacy’s independence in many ways: handing her the telephone to arrange her own playdates, dropping her off at swim practice to navigate the locker room and pool deck herself, putting her on a plane – all alone – to Washington DC to visit my parents. I’m beginning to do the same with CJ: she walks down the street – out of my line of sight – to see if a friend is available to play, and she plays happily at the park with other swimmers’ siblings while I watch Tacy’s events.
We’ve had a scare or two – the BB gun-wielding boys of course, plus instances where Tacy went looking for me instead of staying put in our appointed rendezvous location – but nothing has ever happened that caused us to significantly alter our routine or make me rethink my free-range philosophy. I’m the Lenore Skenazy of our neighborhood.
The events of this past weekend have given me pause.
Early Friday morning, not far from our neighborhood swimming pool and Tacy’s elementary school, an unknown man entered a little girl’s bedroom through the window and assaulted her. Saturday night, one of my friends – whose daughter is a close friend of Tacy’s – opened her daughter’s window and discovered that the screen had been torn away from its frame: another apparent break-in attempt.
I’ll admit I’m rattled. The first incident was terrifying enough, but the second hit closer to home – literally and figuratively. Not only do I have two little girls, but I’ve been lax with my own home security in the past. It’s easy to neglect to close and lock all the windows before running out to the grocery store. Likewise, I’ve avoided turning on the air conditioning so far this summer, relying on open windows and our attic fan instead.
I told Tacy about the first little girl; I have not told her about her friend. But it was her friend who was at the forefront of my mind tonight when I discovered that she was outside playing baseball at nine o’clock and I shrieked from our front steps that she needed to get inside NOW. I heard the hysteria in my voice, and I realized that I need to take a step back and examine this fear just as I have done in the past.
I’m scared, yes. But I’m also angry. The father quoted in the FOX31-KDVR piece, a neighbor of the girl who was assaulted, was certainly angry: “I hope he does come by our house. I’ve got something else for him!”
He’s not alone. I’ve spoken with other neighbors who’ve been more explicit. When I told Liz about these events, her reaction was similar, if only figuratively. The thought of anyone threatening our children – it’s enough to provoke even an avowed pacifist to consider taking up arms.
So what am I going to do?
As before, in the case of the BB-gun wielding boys, Kyle and I have reached a consensus. But first, I want to know what you would do, were you in our position.
I would panic. PANIC. And I might get one of those home security systems. Then I’d do some more panicking, leading me to have the kids sleep in my room. Then a little more panicking in which I’d purchase weapons.
I don’t know. All I can think of is the panicking.
I think this is one of the scariest scenarios that a parent can face and could cause me to jump off the deep end and be really over protective. In the end, I think all you can do is talk more about safety with your kids and be more proactive about locking doors and windows. Perhaps a few more rules about checking in etc, but I don’t think you can take away their independence either. I’d worry about making my children afraid of everything by suddenly following them everywhere or not letting them go anywhere without me. I think caution is needed here more than fear.
I would just be more aware of making sure things were locked, especially on ground floors. Maybe the AC wouldn’t be a bad idea if kids are on ground floors and you are not. I would also talk to older kids. OUr daughter is too young to understand but when she is older we will talk about it.
Yesterday as my boys were all playing outside unattended (altho I could see them out the window) I heard there were 3 escapees from the state prison not far away. 2 convicted murderers. My first response was to call everyone in and bar the doors shut. But then I shrugged it off and chilled out (altho I did alert our neighbor.) In your case, though, I might be more cautious, especially until the man is caught. And I think everyone has a different sense of caution in their own minds.
Steph
There’s something real going on in your neighborhood right now. That’s very different than “helicoptering” without reason.
I would be more vigilant about locking doors and windows especially on lower floors (and I am exactly like you in this regard, am always forgetting)
I would also talk to the girls, explain in terms that they can understand, what’s been happening and what your family is doing to prevent any harm coming to you. That may include some new family safety rules.
Finally, we have a home security system. When my husband installed it years and years ago, I poo-poo’d it. But I have since come to appreciate the peace of mind.
Wow. So scary. I agree that the recent events in your neighborhood constitute the “credible threat” that merits more precaution, and I think a bit of fear in the voice is perfectly understandable – as is your desire to rein it in a bit for the kids.
I have to admit I don’t know what I’d do. We have an alarm system, but this sort of thing can happen anywhere. I honestly think one of the best things you can do is build up some formal AND informal relationships with local law enforcement – have friends on the force who can give you the information you need without the PR spin.
And yeah, I just said that.
I’m a proponent of free-range parenting, but I think that there is a credible threat in your neighborhood. You should react responsibly (by locking windows and doors) based on the real information you have, not some generalized fear you’ve caught from watching too many scaremongering tv shows.
Our windows all lock in a cracked position. The house came that way, but you can usually retrofit your windows. Depending on the type of window, this can be as easy as an add on lock from the hardware store. We don’t have air conditioning, so in the summer months, we tend to sleep with our windows cracked, but locked. Sure, a determined person could probably still get in by forcing the window off of its track, but that would make a lot of noise and wake me up immediately, probably before the person got into the house. I’ve always had these sorts of locks on my windows, even before we had kids. It just seems like an easy security step.
If there were incidents like this in my neighborhood, I would keep a closer watch on my kids and curtail a bit of their freedom, until the incident resolves. I think that is a perfectly rational response, just like my change in habits to close my garage door before getting my daughter out of the car was a rational response to a rapist who was on the loose in our city, attacking women as they got out of their cars.
I’m glad the little girl who was attacked was not kidnapped. I can’t imagine what it would take to make me feel safe in my home again after something like that. I’d probably want to move.
I’d get a dog. My husband’s cousin is a cop and she has three big (goofy, lovable) dogs and I asked her if she thought they helped protect her home from burglery. She said they did, without a doubt. In her area, all things being equal, a criminal will avoid a home with a dog, according to her and I can see her point. If you can’t have a dog, perhaps just put some of those “beware of dog” stickers on your house or a GIANT doggie water bowl in the yard so it looks like you have a Great Dane.
That is really scary though. Stay safe.
You have to do whatever necessary to keep your kids safe. If I were in your shoes I would certainly go into lockdown mode – atleast for a while.
This is such an important post for all parents. It reminds us that we need to not allow ourselves to get to lax in making sure our kids are supervised at ALL times.
Once I got done panicking, I’d probably up the home security vigilance, making sure windows locked effectively, etc. And I might even go so far as to dig out a baby monitor and hook it up.
Oh and make SURE I talked to my girls and then talked to them again about safety and strangers and SCREAM LIKE CRAZY.
Over the past year, our neighborhood has had a number of break-ins, or entering without the breaking part due to not being locked down. The burglars were going for the easy ins. Two people were trying to steal a whirlpool tub from a home undergoing renovations at 6 a.m. on a Sunday morning, only to be caught by a neighbor walking his dog who stopped to ask them a question, wrote down the license number, called the homeowner (who just lived a few doors down while his main residence was being renovated) and they were caught.
Vigilance – by you, your neighbors, and even your children – and being aware when things just do not look “right” is important.
I hope he is caught soon.
I’m with Christina – get a dog. Keep the windows locked. Make sure the kids are playing with buddies outside. And then get a taser.
First I would FREAK OUT. Then I would be thankful for our loudmouth dog. Then I would go around checking locks on the windows OFTEN, especially on the ground floor. As others have said, I would talk to the kids about the basics of stranger safety (without scaring them) and limit unsupervised play at least for now.
I’m so sorry this is happening in your neighborhood.
First, I am so sorry to hear about the girl(s) and to learn that there is someone terrorizing your neighbourhood.
I agree with a lot of the commenters above. I would panic initially. Then calm down.
I would be extra vigilant about house security for the next while and probably reactivate our home security system. (We also have a dog and he is an okay alarm… depends on his mood and the amount of noise.)
I would contact my local police/mayor/city council etc to see what efforts are being made to thwart any future attacks.
In my mind, no matter how scary these events are (remember, it was one, possibly two attacks which you will hear about 300x or more as your neighbours and media constantly replay it now and over time), they are rare. It’s just that no one wants to be on the receiving end of a very rare stat.
I heard about this and it freaked me out. But…I’m from LA. I am neurotic about my windows being locked and the AC being on at night. I love the night air, but I just can’t do it. I don’t sleep as well without knowing all the windows are locked. Also, we have a big dog. And she’s mellow as can be, until someone comes on our property. Her bark alone would scare off anyone.
Now, since you asked, if I were you, I’d lock my windows. But in reality, there isn’t much else to do. Panicking doesn’t help. Unfortunately. I hope they catch that guy quickly.
When we moved to Denver, I was shocked at home many people don’t even close their garage doors at night. I bet half of my neighbors don’t even lock their front doors.
We’re down a dog – the bigger and usually louder one of the two, but Indy is 60lbs and would bark if someone tried to get in. We also have an alarm system.
I get especially anxious when I’m alone, but I try to channel it into making sure things are locked and that I feel as safe as possible.
And I’m with the others. This isn’t a matter of helicopter parenting. I’d be really cautious right now until this person is brought to justice.
You definitely have reason to be more vigilent and less permissive right now. I also would make sure I lock all the windows at night. And I would talk to my daughter about safety, but not tell her what has been happening. I think. Although she’d probably hear about it, so maybe I would talk to her about that. It’s hard to know.
Are these ground floor windows he is going into or second floor? I’d lock the windows and put baby monitors in the kids’ rooms so I could hear anything going on in there. As for firearms — I always wonder where people put loaded weapons that make them convenient to grab but still safe from kids getting into. Of course I will admit to having a personal reason to not allow loaded guns in my house — a friend of mine was killed but her husband when he had a little too much to drink and decided to “look” at his gun. I hate them.
Lockdown. My kids would NOT be unsupervised and in the house at dusk. We always lock the downstairs windows & doors when we go to bed at night. Bedrooms are on the 2nd floor with no easy access from outside. Hubby is a police officer & he made sure that I know how to handle the 9MM.
I would be a one-woman vigilante turning over every rock in the county to find that particular scumbag.
I really hope the police are making the rounds of your neighborhood more frequently at night. Have you all organized a neighborhood watch?
I like the dog idea, assuming no one’s allergic. Even a big ole “Beware of Dog” sign might do the trick.
I had a friend who used to keep a gun in a safe under his nightstand. Only he knew the combination. Three or four buttons to push and he could get access to it if there was ever a break-in. It was something he could do in the dark if he had to.
Like the others, I’m panicked reading this.
Two weeks ago I went with a friend to their beachhouse with our kids. We arrived at night and I was unfamiliar with the neighborhood or the home. She went inside, opened all the windows and we started getting the kids ready for bed. I was absolutely freaked at being in an unfamiliar area, with the kids sleeping in a room other than my own and the windows open. I had to shut them all. She thought I was a bit nutty and by the next day after I was acclimated I felt I may have overreacted. But not now. My instinct was right I guess. I’m petrified for you that you have to worry about this. I think it’s all of our worst fears, but to have them hit so close to home is just unnerving.
I have no idea. Honestly: NO IDEA.
My city has had exactly nine crimes in the past ten years – most of which are burglaries committed by grown children who come back to take mom’s purse money – so that severely alters the way I look at this. I am torn between two completely opposite reactions. On one hand, I would probably want to panic and helicopter and have tabs on every neighborhood child at all times. On the other hand, given my city’s crime rate, maybe I would just discuss my concerns with neighbors and continue to allow the kids the freedom they were accusomed to. Depending on the child, I might discuss the situation with them as well. But in all honesty, I just don’t know. There are so many options and variables that go into making a choice like this.
I’m sure that whatever you’ve chosen is the best decision for your family. I hope they catch that fucker soon!
Frick, this post made me heart drop out of my chest. Just last night, Jon shared some strange dreams he has had lately, including Laurel getting abducted and him finding her with our neighbor (who actually is a really awesome person but was evil in the dream).
I’ve also been thinking about safety a lot lately, as I think about Laurel starting kindergarten this fall, and the fact that I used to walk the mile to and from my kindergarten BY MYSELF. I can hardly believe that was legal mainly because I can’t imagine sending Laurel out the door on her own as a 5 year old. I don’t know what the right age is for letting kids go out on their own but I’m nowhere near ready for it and it is undoubtedly a personal decision, invariably influenced by gender.
Meanwhile, stay safe and vigilant and I’ll be sending lots of good thoughts your way. -Christine
*GASPS*
I could barely read to the end, because after the ‘climbing in the window’ part, my heart started racing too fast for me to think.
I came of age in an era and in an area when/where a brutal serial killer walked (Clifford Olsen). I was saying to someone just last week that the memory of just knowing such a person existed (my parents’ warnings still ring in my ears) colors my perceptions of child-freedom. I could never be a Lenore Skenazy, if only because some of the Lenore Skenazy parents of my childhood community lost their children.
Gah. GAH.
I would panic.
I watch my children very closely, especially because my husband is military and gone all the time. Sometimes at night I have the worry thoughts about things happening, killer stoking us, trying to break in.
But in your case it’s really happening so I think you’re more than justified if you ‘hover’ over your kids a bit more and make sure that doors and windows are always locked.
Heck I’d probably move all my five kids into my room ….:)
As it is happening in your own neighborhood — not in some place we all get to think is our neighborhood because all of the press coverage — I would be more diligent about locking doors and windows. I don’t think I’d stop letting the girls do what they’ve always done, but I’d be looking out a bit more than usual.
Julie, I had the same experience after hearing this news. I saw an unusual man walking the neighborhood when I was out front, and ran to the backyard to get my kids inside (the sidewalk by our house leads around to the back of our house with just a split-rail fence). I have never been paranoid, but I feel like in this instance, it’s the only thing that gives me comfort.