I recently finished reading Lady Chatterley’s Lover – the story of a woman who had an affair with one of her husband’s servants. While I was frustrated by the far-too-romantic resolution, it was an excellent illustration of the human foibles that have the potential to trip up all of us, especially with our consent and cooperation. From the President all the way down to the neighbors, it seems no one is immune to temptation.
I understand temptation, especially as the years pass and gravity takes its toll. The idea that someone else – someone who hasn’t promised to love you forever and isn’t bound to you by the ties of family and finance – might see in you an attractiveness that you’re not sure still exists, is admittedly intoxicating, even if your marriage is a happy one. Hey, I’ve still got it!
But what pushes people over the line between flirtation to full-fledged infidelity? Why do people risk everything that they hold dear – both people and principles – for third-party affirmation?
It’s especially perplexing to me when politicians have affairs; did they learn nothing from President Clinton? They might as well start planning the press conference on the way home from the first tryst. While they and their families suffer privately as all those who are touched by infidelity do, they also suffer publicly. It’s not just the neighbors whispering; it’s the journalists digging, and the talking heads expounding, and the bloggers analyzing.
Actually, the press conferences demonstrate that politicians have learned from Clinton’s example; denial doesn’t work. Even John Edwards’ initial denials were met with skepticism on both sides of the aisle. The media considers it a challenge to unearth evidence to the contrary. Better to come clean and move on.
David Paul Kuhns’ recent essay in RealClearPolitics is a compelling analysis of the consequences of politicians’ extramarital dalliances, including the inevitable public fallout:
“Questions always follow these sordid political scandals. Above all, did they really believe the affair would not be exposed? So many men in the public spotlight–let’s face it, the failings are mainly men’s–seem to forget this merciless age of 24-hour news. But then, infidelity is common to powerful men. And perhaps their sexual impulse is at times more powerful than their political instincts.”
Kuhns also addresses the pointed hypocrisy on the part of Republicans:
“No party has a monopoly on cultural propriety. For every Mark Sanford there is a John Edwards. For every David Vitter there is an Eliot Spitzer. Few of these falls actually hurt either party’s brand. But there is always a particular bite when the moral impropriety involves leaders from the party more concerned with moral values.”
Kuhns cites such examples as Larry Craig’s opposition to hate crimes legislation that would protect gays, and Newt Gingrich and Henry Hyde’s affairs while pursuing impeachment of Bill Clinton for similar transgressions. Hypocrisy extends beyond politicians to spiritual leaders, like Ted Haggard and Jimmy Swaggart. In the military, adultery is prohibited under the Uniform Code of Military Justice (Article 134) and offenders can be prosecuted, although many high-ranking officers are afforded the opportunity to retire instead of face a court-martial.
Even those who aren’t in the public eye must contend with the personal and professional consequences of their infidelity. Whether you’re caught or you confess or you manage to keep it under wraps, it’s always there – and it’s something that the vast majority of people profess to abhor:
“This is a country where nine in ten Americans believe it is “morally wrong” for married men and women to have affairs, according to Gallup. And yet, depending on the study, as many as a quarter to a third of married men commit adultery.”
Despite the knowledge that their actions violate not just marriage vows but an “unspoken social contract” as well, people still cheat. A 2008 New York Times article cited a multi-year study of the incidence of adultery:
“University of Washington researchers have found that the lifetime rate of infidelity for men over 60 increased to 28 percent in 2006, up from 20 percent in 1991. For women over 60, the increase is more striking: to 15 percent, up from 5 percent in 1991. The researchers also see big changes in relatively new marriages. About 20 percent of men and 15 percent of women under 35 say they have ever been unfaithful, up from about 15 and 12 percent respectively.”
The above statistics underscore our collective hypocrisy, summarized well by Kuhns:
“We are one of the most socially conservative wealthy nations. We are also a nation that built industries on violent and hypersexual entertainment. We uniformly condemn affairs but some of our most popular romantic comedies celebrate leaving imperfect marriages in search of greater love.”
I doubt anyone enters a marriage expecting that either they or their partner will cheat. You intend to beat the odds and live happily ever after. Rationally, you know that adultery begets pain, not love. You don’t mean for it to progress beyond flirtation.
But when it does, it almost never leads anywhere but to regret.
Have you been touched by adultery: your friends, your parents, your own marriage? Feel free to go anonymous.
Both my mother and I are products of affairs. Though she didn’t know until she was in her 40’s. I found out when I was 16 and went to get a driver’s license and had to put it in a different name because my birth certificate had her first husband’s last name. (he’s not my dad)
There are also some skeletons in my husband’s family too. Because of that, I don’t see it ever happening with us. Doesn’t mean I don’t think about it anytime things get rough. Not that I want to, just fears that history will repeat itself. I’m sort of irrational like that.
Out of respect for those involved, I’ll just keep it general and say Yes, I’ve been touched by this. And infidelity is an action where the hurt just keeps spreading out in concentric circles.
I won’t expand on this here, but I will speak for myself and share that my philosophy is to not even put myself in a position where I might even be tempted — put up the boundary 100 yards further than where it even needs to be. Because like you said, many people believe they are immune to the temptation until they’ve gotten too deep (either emotionally or physically). I think it’s easy for people to convince themselves its harmless if there isn’t a physical aspect to the relationship. But our thoughts and emotions are powerful forces.
No matter how happy and in love two people are, marriage requires commitment and work. And finding yourself in a place where even your thoughts drift to another person does nothing to strengthen a marriage.(My humble opinion.)
It’s different for everyone, I venture to guess. No experience with it here.
But I think there’s a lot to be said about moms who “neglect” their husbands for their babies and kids. Or sort of minimize them as kids themselves.
Don’t go jumping all over me. I firmly believe that guys need to get the fuck over it and deal with the fact that raising babies is hard and time consuming and doesn’t make a mom feel completely sexy and not run off to play golf and drink beer all weekend long.
But I’ve seen too many moms, myself included early on, who choose their kids over their relationships, when it comes to time and energy, and that sucks – for both people involved.
But there’s also these societal “norms” that give us this weird order of how we’re supposed to do things in life and I’m not sure that everyone is ready for it. There are a lot of people out there that I don’t think need to get married at 25, 30, hell even 35 (or ever.
It has a lot to do with how we’re parenting our boys who become men.
It hasn’t touched me personally (that I know of!). But as for the politicians: do they just think they are going to be the ONE person that doesn’t get caught? It boggles.
I told you I was married once before but I didn’t mention that I cheated on my then-fiancee a few months before our wedding. Knowing it was wrong, I did it anyway. And of course, it should have been a huge, flashing sign not to go ahead with the marriage. However, I was worried about letting people down (WTF?) and still got married. Throughout the course of our short marriage, I carried around this awful guilt and felt the weight of my choices every day.
The happy ending? I made my mistake, learned from it, and am a much better person for it now. And there’s no way I’m ever looking down that road again.
I have been touched by it – my mother had a long-term affair that lasted from the time I was born until I was about 20 years old. And she had more than one – she had a serious long-distance flirtation with another person. This affair included regular Saturday night dates when my dad was working shift work. When I was 5 yo, my parents separated. However, I think Dad ended up coming back because at that time, he would not have won custody of my brother and me. He knew about it. Hell, he worked with the guy. (you can say, “WTF?” It’s okay. I say it all the time when I think of it.)
I think this affected me and my brother in so many ways – at the time and for years afterward and very likely to this day. As an adult, I can say that I have not walked in my mom’s shoes and I really do not know what caused her to do what she did. She has talked with me about it and apologizes profusely. But what is done is done. Do I love her? Absolutely. Do I like her? Not always, she is a human being, however, complete with quirks and some bad decisions, but not all her decisions were bad. It could have been worse and she could have divorced my dad and married this man and he could have been my stepfather and I could have ended up rebelling fantastically from that.
My point, though, is that the effects are not just immediate and not always apparent. I know it is the reason I waited to marry until I was 32. It was one reason I said I did not want children (obviously, that did not hold.) It was one reason I have always been the one to hold onto a relationship until it was beyond dead. It is one reason my brother has a horrible relationship with my mom and a rocky one with my dad.
I think that some times people just stay where they are because they don’t know what they are going to do next. Maybe they don’t have a plan to get out, maybe they are waiting until their kids hit some magic age, maybe they are just too tired to fight through a divorce. There are many possibilities.
But some times, I think it takes finding something, be it someone, who gives you the strength, the reason, the self worth, to make a change in your life. Some reason to leave.
I’m not saying that cheating is right under any circumstance. But I am saying that it doesn’t always end up wrong.
My best friend’s husband cheated on her, and it was awful. They lived in Virginia Beach near to where we vacation, and even though he had been cheating for a while, he waited until I was there to get ‘caught’. He set himself up so that he wouldn’t have to lie any more. I guess he thought it would be good for her to have me there when she ‘caught’ him, but talk about ruining a bunch of stuff at once. Their marriage and our vacation, to name a few. He was a total scum bag.
My mother cheated on my father for the last six years of their marriage. My dad so desperately wanted to keep the family together that he formed a major case of the denials. She finally left, leaving scars on everyone. I have 3 younger brothers, all of whom were under the age of 16 at the time of the divorce. Ten years later they all have major issues with women. They don’t trust them, they don’t respect them, and they are seemingly incapable of a normal relationship. I have trust issues as well. With women. But am married to a wonderful man (whose mother also cheated and left the family: 8 children, all boys) and we know how easy it can happen. We’ve watched it. We see the scars it creates, and are extra cautious to never get within shooting distance of the line…
Some girlfriends and I were talking about this over margaritas last night. One of the girls (beautiful, smart, sweet., independant, great mom, etc) is now divorced. Her husband had two affairs while they were married (at least two that she knows of). This man’s mom was one of those who was married a bunch of times and it seems, had a revolving door of men. All of her kids are now screwed up adults. Two wound up in mental wards for various issues.
It is so sad, the pain this creates and the emotional scars. And yeah, I don’t get how these politicians don’t think they’ll get caught. Everyone seems to get caught eventually….
I’m going to go anon. But I’m sure you’ll know who this is! But my husband had an emotional affair last summer. He was feeling unappreciated and like I hated him. And he started talking to someone via online poker. The woman he became friends with totally hated her husband and she was pretty good at feeding my husband’s ego. My husband ate it up. And she was very charming and manipulating. She started texting him firty emails and messages, trying to meet up with him. (They did a few times.) She even told him about dating sites and set up a sexy online profile for him. (Something I found out about in January of this year, after a miscarriage. And even though he never used it and didn’t write it, finding that hurt just as much as the affair stuff. )
I kept getting these really strong vibes something was very wrong. I’d ask what was going on, he’d say “Nothing. What are you talking about?” I thought I was going crazy because I couldn’t ignore the feeling. The months of stress built up and I got very sick as a result. I lost alot of weight.
This woman wanted out of her marriage. She saw my husband (he has a very good job and is very smart and ambitious) and thought she could leave her hubby for mine. Course my husband didn’t leave me. When she found out I knew, she freaked out and has left him alone. I have combed through phone bills and I check his phone sometimes (and look up unfamiliar numbers). I hate doing that but I do because I want to make sure for myself that she’s gone. (She’d even started introducing him to her friends. And THEY were calling him.)
I hope someday this woman’s husband is lonely and finds a woman who’s just as “good a friend” as she was to MY husband. This is one of those times I hope karma exists. It has been so very tempting to out her in a public forum or create a blog with her name, address, where she works and copies of her text messages. And do some SEO stuff so that if you’d ever google her name all of that info would show up. Or tell her husband, parents and coworkers what she was up to. Or her coworkers. She wasn’t “putting out” for her own hubby but she sure was trying to sex up mine!
It was hard to work through but we did. We’re in a far healthier place than we were. It was a wake up call. Before it happened, I always felt like I wouldn’t be able to survive without him. Not emotionally or financially. But I feel like a much stronger now for going through what we did.
My husband cheated on me. I found the text messages and emails. He didn’t have the guts to say he wasn’t happy or just answer no when directly asked. I have no problem with him wanting out. I don’t want to me with someone who doesn’t want to be with me. It annoys me that I was the one who had to do all the talking, verbalise what he was thinking and feeling. Got to love the passive aggressive crap. He hasn’t even said sorry. He hasn’t spoken to me since the day he moved out. The part that really annoys me is that has has devastated my family without second thought. No one should have to watch their dad cry because he is so upset for his daughter.
As a commenter above noted, karma has to exist in this situation. Karma is a bitch and just quietly today, I hope when she catches up with him that she doesn’t hold back.