I thought that I didn’t have anything to add to the debate about the societal pressure to be a good-with-a-capital-G mom and the backlash of those who resist that pressure and defend their parenting with tongue-in-cheek humor. I thought that Catherine and Tanis and Jaelithe had covered the topic thoroughly, and I was right on board with Kristen’s succinct opening paragraph:
“I don’t wake up in the morning and think about what kind of mother I’m going to be. On most days, like most mothers, I turn on auto pilot and just go about the business of raising my children the best that I know how.”
In other words, I didn’t have a dog in this fight.
Then I got a comment on my post about the Daddy Track from a lovely woman whom I genuinely like. But the last line of her comment highlighted perfectly that I do in fact have a sore spot where it comes to meeting expectations:
“And I love that I’m not…lamenting the fact that my babies are being raised by daycare workers”
I’ve had at least one child in care for the past seven years, ever since I went back to work after Tacy was born. I’ve agonized over what situation (nanny, in-home, center) was right for us. I’ve worried about waiting lists and tuition increases. I’ve anxiously checked the time on my Blackberry with every block my bus passed, feeling guiltier with each minute that ticked by in traffic.
What rational reason did I have to feel guilty?
Some people, like Dr. Laura, would say that my guilt was justified: I wasn’t at home with my daughter; instead, I was entrusting my child-rearing responsibilities to others, and deep down I knew I was wrong. Based on other posts and comments I’ve read, many parenting bloggers would agree. Print and broadcast media have taken up this viewpoint for years – that day care is harmful to children – citing sensational stories and studies to back them up. Even the most tenuous evidence is used to play upon mothers’ fears that they are doing their children a disservice that will have long-lasting consequences.
Such views offend me deeply – not because I’m fearful or guilty, but because I have deep and sincere appreciation for child care providers. I hate that people unintentionally belittle the work they do while simultaneously belittling the parents who employ them.
I own my choices, even the choice to work and entrust my children’s safety and well-being to others while I am working. I acknowledge the trade-offs that come with that choice, just as my husband accepts the trade-offs that come with his more relaxed approach to his career.
The difference, at least according to societal norms, is that neither of us ought to be willing to accept these trade-offs. He is supposed to be more devoted to his work, and I am supposed to be more devoted to my children. Instead, we are each striving for balance, and I believe we are attaining it as best we can.
But because of the collective conclusion that mothers like me are allowing others to raise their children, we’re perceived by society as a “bad” mothers (or at least not good-with-a-capital-G mothers). And that’s where I have to stand up and proclaim, along with all the logical and defensible reasons I have for sending my kids to day care, that I am a bad mother and proud of it.
In what ways do you fail to meet society’s expectations for a good-with-a-capital-G mother? How much does it bother you?
Any time I start feeling like I don’t measure up, I watch one of those distressing TV shows where a plotline involves Life In The Bad Part Of The City, and when I see the children dipping a cup of water out of the toilet bowl, I think my kids don’t have it real tough. The scale I tend to compare myself to is such a small slice of the curve.
I used to work as a daycare caregiver, and as an at-home mom I’ve felt bad that my kids AREN’T in daycare. The activities, the circle time, the learning toys, the NO TELEVISION, the NO VIDEOGAMES, the outdoors time, the qualified/certified adults, the developmental things like sitting nicely at a table and sharing with others—-ack. My kids get pretty inferior care here at home.
I fully admit to slacker mom, and I thoroughly don’t care. The kid is smart and kind and funny and social, even though she has holes in her tights and doesn’t get a bath as often as other kids do.
And daycare rocked. It was a totally wonderful experience, for her, and for her parents – in part for all the reasons that Swistle mentions.
In order to finish up my last degree, I had to put my three year old and my two year old in daycare.
It was not an easy decision, my husband and I agonized over it. We exhausted every other option before traveling down that avenue and when it was decided we would put our babies in daycare we, like most every other parent who has ever decided to use child care givers outside of the home, scoured the city for one we felt most comfortable with, one that would provide the best benefit and fit for our family.
It became immediately evident within the first week that we had made the right choice. My children were thriving, my husband wasn’t losing time from work and I was actually getting school work done. It turned out to be a fabulous experience, largely due to the quality of the employees at the daycare facility and the love they showered on our children.
I have immense respect for the people who choose to work in this field and I won’t lie; it pisses me off when people don’t give them the credit and due that is deserved to them.
But then, I’m an admitted bad mother, so what the hell do I know anyways?
Wink.
Today was the first time I’ve put my child in daycare for a FULL day, so I could work from home while my husband is away. Your article caught my attention, so I’m taking a break to comment. As much as I hated to do it, she is getting much more attention than she would if I had her with me while I’m trying to work. Makes no sense for either of us. I have to work because my husband is on short-term disability, so he takes care of our 2-yr old while I’m working for now. Sadly, we’ve both concluded that he doesn’t have the patience or the energy to give her better care than if she were at a daycare playing with other kids instead of plopped in front of a TV all day at home. I’ve been the one holding out, hoping he would become a more involved parent, but at some point I had to face the facts – he’s just not going to suddenly grow the Mommy gene. Until I can be her full-time mother again, daycare is our only option for her to have better interaction and a more well-rounded day. Thankfully, she also loves going. There are no tears, only excitement. That makes it a little easier as well.
Don’t feel guilty. Only you know what’s best for your family.
I honestly don’t know why day care gets such a bad rap. The people who watch my kids during the day are talented, patient, caring, creative, smart men and women who genuinely love my kids very much. We interact with other families and have a sense of community with the other parents and the staff alike.
Do I miss my kids when they are there and I am here? Yes. But are they well tended to, learning and having new experiences and generally happy kids? Absolutely.
As parents I think it’s natural to believe that no one knows your child or can nuture your child like you can, but recognizing that someone else can do a really fine job at it is what helps us learn and grow as parents.
I still miss daycare–and my son is now 14. I loved the people, and they loved my son. I paid them to take care of him, but they loved him for free. I will always be grateful for the amazing people who took care of him so I could work. If we wanted a house, both of us needed to work. It was a trade-off, but I think it actually worked out best for him. He got the best of all worlds, and I don’t believe I’m just rationalizing our choice to put him in daycare. He’s on only child who had lots of playmates, lots of different experiences, and lots of love at daycare. My bad mothering isn’t due to our choice to put him in daycare. That was absolutely the right choice–for him and for us.
I can’t keep house to save my life… I can clean – but I can’t seem to maintain. Don’t get me wrong, we won’t be featured on Clean House anytime soon – but at the same time, it’s probably been six months since I did more than a cursory mop job. I stay home with the kids and always figured if I did then there would be plenty of time to keep up with the chores. Alas… I can’t find those hours.
The flip side of me being fine with day care is that I consider being a stay at home parent a JOB (and frankly, a harder job than my office job). Which means that if I were to be doing it, I still wouldn’t consider keeping the house to be solely my job.
I’m just saying, you can share some of that lack of mopping guilt with the other adult in the household.
I appreciate that you recognize it as a job, so many people don’t. And I hope you know that I too am fine with daycare, it’s just not the option we chose for right now. Hubs is great with helping when he can, but currently he’s going to school in addition to working, so housework is falling on (off?) my shoulders. He’s really understanding, but that mommy/wifey guilt still gets to me. Even if it is unwarranted.
Oh, it most certainly is a job. A pretty darned exhausting one at that.
I don’t think that daycare is implicitly harmful to children. And I can’t imagine a life where I wasn’t working in some capacity. But I DO feel guilty that I only see my son for three hours a day during the week. Not because I’m doing the wrong thing, just because I like him so damned much, and I’d like to see him more.
As for my own bad parenting? I fight hard to be neutral or positive about Gabe’s dad, but often slip up. I’m impatient, I can be snappy, I let arguably too much slide for the sake of peace and getting along.
Soooo… I just realized that you were quoting me… and I hope that you’ll go back and read my follow up comment because I don’t think my point came across well in the first comment. Just briefly, though, I’ll say that I was talking about my particular work situation and that had I stayed in my previous job I would have had to hand over the majority of the parenting to an outside caregiver. I stand by the fact that I’m not lamenting the fact that my babies are raised by daycare workers, because in MY situation that’s what it would have been. Had my office been willing to negotiate time commitments, I would almost definitely be using daycare. And I don’t think I’d be regretting the decision. It’s all about balance. I don’t think it’s any different than a mom who chose to continue working saying that she’s glad she’s not sitting home lamenting the fact that she gave up her career. I hope that makes sense and I really didn’t mean to offend anyone.
April, I do understand what you meant – that it was specific to your personal situation. Unfortunately, many people use that same “raising my children” line of reasoning as a self-righteous knock on those who send their children to day care. While I was confident that you weren’t judging others with your phrasing, it still stings a bit to hear day care diminished in that way – and to hear parenting diminished too. Because even if you worked 14-hour days, I’d still say *you* were raising your children – with the help of some fantastic caregivers. Maybe I’m being overly sensitive and PC about the matter, but I think it’s an inaccurate and degrading way of describing the situation of working parents and their caregivers.
Julie – I think we’re going to have to respectfully disagree with one another insofar as I do believe if I was leaving before my kids got up, getting home after they went to bed, and also working on weekends (as a permanent career choice), I would be relinquishing my parenting to a third party. I also understand that in some situations it’s necessary to rely heavily on third party caregivers. But a spade is still a spade and if I’m not present to raise my children, then I’m not parenting. I’m also not talking about transient situations where parents are relying more on childcare to get through a period of time like for school, illness, to make ends meet, etc. I’m talking about when people who choose work over parenting, period, versus making a balance.
I totally agree, though, that people do often use the “raising my children” line of reasoning in a disrespectful manner and where it’s absolutely not warranted. That being said, I worked with several women (and men) who routinely chose work over their kids and family and DID use daycare and nannies to raise their children. And I think in those cases the term fits. (But then maybe in those situations the kids were better off since the parents clearly did not want that role… I don’t know)
I don’t feel comfortable using a blanket term to describe individual situations about which I know very little. I also don’t feel comfortable leveling judgment on who’s actually doing the parenting in those situations when again, I don’t know the details. Having been the subject of much judgment myself concerning my parenting (as has Tanis, to a far greater degree), it pains me to see unfair stereotypes perpetuated through casual use of such phrasing.
Fair enough, and I think you’re absolutely right. But I hope you’ll agree that I wasn’t using it as a blanket term. I totally understand your sensitivities, but I hope you can appreciate that I’m feeling a little sensitive too since what I said was (unintentionally, I think) mischaracterized. I believe it’s fair to say that we’ve nearly all been the subject of judgment in our own lives. I’ve been accused many times of taking opportunities (college, camp, music lessons, vacations) away from my children by leaving my career and disposable income behind. I’m quite sure the grass is just a little bit brown on both sides of the fence, and I hope you know that I have the utmost respect for both you and Tanis.
April, I don’t know anything about your situation, but I assume that if you stay home then someone in your household works. Is that person “relinquishing parenting,” “not parenting,”or “choosing work over parenting”?
That said, if I had to make the stark choice between working the horrible hours you described and staying home, I would make the same choice you did. I wouldn’t, however, use the same language to describe it.
Tricia – I was using the language to describe my personal choice(s). I don’t believe for a moment that men and women who work outside the home are ‘not parenting’ or are ‘choosing not to parent’ or however you want to put it. I think there are cases where people choose work over parenting, but there are also cases where people choose drinking over parenting, or gambling over parenting or even television watching over parenting – what Julie and I were hashing out and, I think, came to a consensus on is that it is unfair and inappropriate to make a blanket statement and say ‘parents who use third party care givers are letting daycare raise their kids.’
Well, then I’ll join your consensus! And give props for one of the more gracious exchanges I have witnessed on the internet.
April, absolutely – I hope that I’ve been clear that I gave you the benefit of the doubt, knowing you as well as I can online and being confident that you don’t leap to conclusions the way we often see others do in this forum. Three cheers for civil exchanges!
And me, I choose blogging over parenting, obviously.
I do enjoy a civil exchange. Today I chose blogging AND television
Shhhh… don’t tell DCF.
Zombies vs. Vampires, man. Zombies vs. Vampires.
Don’t get carried off by thematic debates that only apply to fictional creatures. There are no good parents or bad parents, working parents or at-home parents.
I use day care, and I’m happy with that decision. Very happy. At some point, I had to recognize that coming up with good, enriching activities when I’m home all day with my daughter is not one of my parenting strengths. I love my daughter, I think I’m a good mother, and she is thriving. But if she were at home all day every day with just me? I don’t think either of us would be doing as well.
Now, my own mother, on the other hand, always has excellent activity ideas when she comes over to care for Pumpkin (she’s our backup day care when Pumpkin’s sick). She was a SAHM when my sister and I were little, and loved it. I have other friends and relatives who are SAHMs, and they and their children are thriving, too.
I think the child care set up that is right for a given family depends on that family’s particular circumstances, and I hate how most media stories on these issues paint with a broad brush and seem to assume that there is one “right” answer for all of us. I am also disturbed by the fact that many families end up making the decision based on money- i.e., someone’s job doesn’t pay enough to “justify” day care. I don’t argue with the cold reality of that family’s situation, but in my perfect world, people could make the decision based on what they think will be best for the health and happiness of all the family members- Mom included.
Parents who use daycare are not, simply NOT – NOT NOT NOT – relinquishing parenting. They’re using different tools and resources in parenting. To suggest otherwise to to imply that the only ‘proper’ or ‘real’ mode of parenting is the full, stay-at-home, homeschooling mode. And wouldn’t it have to apply to both parents? Do we say that Dad does not actually parent if he goes to work – have working fathers relinquished their parenting responsibility if they are not around 24-7?
Because, what’s the breakdown, otherwise? Part-time daycare doesn’t count? Full-time school doesn’t count? Or is any time away from kids a lapse in parenting?
We’re either parents or we’re not. If we have kids and we love them and provide for them, then we’re parenting, full stop.
These debates will NEVER cease but it occurs to me that it’s sort of odd that people are constantly debating the various costs and benefits of child rearing/educating, whether it be stay at home, part time child care, full time childcare, homeschooling, etc. Ultimately, the same scenario does not work for everyone; every family is unique in the challenges and choices it makes and the myriad factors involved. If only people could respect that — judgmental comments usually are attributable to personal baggage on an issue anyway.
-Christine
My 4-year-old is in daycare 3 days a week, just as she has been since she was 11 months old. She remains there even though I’ve been on maternity leave since last August and I recently received news that I won’t have a job to go back to. I’ve considered removing her to save money. But the thing is that she likes it there. She has friends, the teachers are fabulous, and they are never too busy to do age-appropriate activities with her like I am.
I am not off-loading my parenting. I am very much her parent, and nothing will change that. We’re doing what works for our family, and I’m happy with it.
I know you know how I feel about this one. We wouldn’t even know each other if it weren’t for day care — so I’m already in favor just based on that.
Seriously, though — growing up with a mother who worked FT outside the home, I had many caregivers and I can still probably tell you all of their names and what was special about each one. I hope my kids will be able to do the same someday.
Dr. Laura once blamed Elliot Spitzer’s wife for the fact that he visited prostitutes. I can’t give creedence to anything that woman says.
In a post I did years ago, I wondered why daycare providers were always considered “strangers” instead of childcare professionals who had far more experience with different types of kids than I did as a mom of only two.
If I feel guilty about anything, it is my constant level of frustration with one of my kids vs. my inexplicable patience with the challenges of the other. Sometimes a friend or professional will remind me that I have a lot on my hands with two high need kids, and I’m able to assuage the guilt at least temporarily.
That, and the fact that I don’t do more playdates, because two kids fighting over the toys, is enough for me.
Would it be better to take time off now, when your kids are younger, or when they are in their teens? Here is a Forbes article that discusses the pros and cons or both.
http://www.forbes.com/2009/06/17/parenting-teens-working-mother-forbes-woman-time-solutions.html
If I am overwhelmed and I have a lot to do around the house (I am currently on mat leave, will be going back to work in Sept) I use the TV as a babysitter and the guilt eats me alive when I do it.
And sometimes I yell at my daughter and I feel horrible after.
And some moms have their kids in 3 or 4 activities like soccer and other things during the week and I had my daughter in only one and it made me feel bad.
My daughter will have her first break from daycare this summer and I feel guilty because she will be missing out on learning and seeing her friends.
No matter what I do or choose I feel guilt. Out of daycare I feel bad she will be missing out. At daycare I feel why can’t I give her that. So that debate never ends, I say to each their own as long as the family as a whole is happier and better for it.
Making and owning the choice that is best for each circumstance should eradicate any guilt felt. My husband and I made the choice we felt was best for our kids, our family. A combination of staggered work schedules, which resulted in some lost financial opportunitites for a time, with a mix of willing grandparent care and in-home day care, which gobbled up other financial resources.
My own father often made comments about my working and not staying home with the kids yb inferring that it was not the right way. It was our way and I have no regrets.
We balance the care of our children, they are richer for the experiences they have had and, as they grow into adults, they will understand about choices and priorities.
They are well adjusted, happy kids, whose parents both work outside the home, who have made career sacrifices to spend time with them and be a family.
Our choice is just that, our choice. Maybe that makes me a bad mother also, and if so, I’ll gladly don that mantle.
Dr. Laura and all the others who tell me that the choices I make for my family are wrong, can just kiss my ass or pay my bills while I stay home and make dinner.
I want to second Binkytowne’s comment. The people who care for my child during the day are neither strangers nor unqualified. My son’s current teacher has a master’s degree in early childhood development and has been at our center for 12 years. We are friendly with all of the parents in our class and socialize with probably half of them on a regular basis. My son is an only child and it is very important to us that he have lots of interaction with other children so that he doesn’t feel isolated.
The comment (not here necessarily) that bothers me the most is that I am “giving” my child to someone else to raise. We have not “given” our child to anyone. We love and nurture him, feed and bathe him, clothe and provide for him. And one of the aspects of that is sending him to school to learn and socialize and interact with a wide variety of children and adults.