I suppose that, as a blogger, writing about the dangers of narcissism might seem more than a bit ironic. After all, any blogger with a shred of honesty will admit that they want people to read what they write.
But apparently narcissism isn’t limited to bloggers and celebrities (where members from each group often confuse themselves with members of the other group). It’s reached epidemic status, at least according to a new book by Jean Twenge and W. Keith Campbell – The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement.
I haven’t yet read the book, but I found the US News and World Report interview with one of the authors fascinating. Not only have they linked narcissism to parenting practices – for example, telling our kids that they’re special may lead them to expect special treatment from everyone – but according to their findings, it also has ties to credit, celebrity, and social media.
Of course, the social media link doesn’t surprise me, particularly with the proliferation of Facebook and MySpace accounts. Twenge commented that these sites “often encourage people to highlight only narcissistic parts of their personality.” MySpace – and to a lesser degree, Facebook too – is a prime spot for trolling for hook-ups, so it’s no wonder that so many people design (and I use that term loosely) their pages to play up their attractiveness and how connected they are.
Likewise, the celebrity connection has been on the rise with increasing online commentary on the comings and goings of celebrities. But even more pertinent is the impact of reality television; literally anyone can become a “celebrity” – no talent required.
Twenge summarized it well: “What concerns me about that is that those are the shows that are really popular among young people. They’re supposed to show real life; they’re not supposed to be scripted or fictionalized. What they really are is a showcase for narcissistic people and behavior that makes narcissism seem normal.” While I don’t look down upon my friends whose not-so-guilty pleasure is watching “Rock of Love Bus”, I wonder about girls who wish they were on that bus, vying to become Bret Michaels’ Rock of Love – what sort of sense of self do they have?
The idea that credit is a contributor to narcissism might seem far-fetched, but it’s really not. Twenge notes that “easy credit allows people to look better off than they actually are.” They see what their friends and neighbors have – whether it was bought on credit or not – and feel compelled to keep up with the Joneses. I’ve felt my own twinges of envy, especially since my dining room is home to a dollhouse and a monstrous plastic slide.
Speaking of neighbors, I’ve written extensively about the mortgage crisis, as early as August 2007 when rising defaults on subprime mortgages were just beginning to have an effect on the broader financial market. Twenge posits that “narcissism contributed to the economic crisis. Many people had narcissistic overconfidence [when they said], Yeah, I can afford that million-dollar house, and lenders said, Sure, I know you’ll pay off that loan.“ A lot of people made stupid decisions based on ignorance, greed, or a combination of both, having convinced themselves that they’d not only escape unscathed, but profit financially and socially.
But it’s the idea that we might be promoting narcissism in our kids that struck me. After reading the New York Magazine article “The Power (and Peril) of Praising Your Kids” in early 2007, I tried altering my style of praise with my girls, focusing more on the effort they expended and the results they achieved rather than their innate qualities. Sometimes I hit the mark – “I love how you followed the coach’s directions and made such a great dive!” – and sometimes I get lazy – “I’m so glad you enjoyed your soccer game – congrats on your win!” Of course, I never tire of telling them that I love them or that they’re beautiful or that I’m so glad I’m their mommy. But I also congratulate them on trying hard and remind them of how much they’ve improved.
Twenge comments: “For example, with parenting, in an attempt to raise kids with self-esteem, many parents will tell their kid they’re the best ever and they’ll treat them like royalty, placing the child at the center of the household.” I agree that treating a kid as if the world revolves around them – and frankly, some parents really do behave that way – can certainly lead them to expect that everyone else will bend to their whims just as their parents do. In fact, that’s one of the most self-defining lessons toddlers learn – that they must consider other people’s needs and feelings, just as they expect others to consider theirs.
Likewise, I think it’s ultimately detrimental to tell a kid that they’re the smartest or the prettiest or the fastest. Having integrated that sort of superlative into their identity, what happens when they meet someone smarter or prettier or faster? In an attempt to bolster their self-esteem, we’ve actually set them up to have their sense of self shaken, leading them to avoid challenges. As the New York Magazine article noted, “Expending effort becomes stigmatized – it’s public proof that you can’t cut it on your natural gifts.”
Worse, based on Twenge and Campbell’s findings, it sounds as if many people are now turning to possessions and publicity as a means of addressing identity crises: who we are is what we project to the world via our Facebook profile and the car we drive and the clothes we wear.
Or the About pages on our blogs.
How were you praised as a child? How did it affect your sense of self and the way you praise your children?
I wasn’t praised much as a kid because I never really excelled in anything. We couldn’t afford lessons, or recitals or any of that stuff. I think I go out of my way to praise Hailey a ton to make up for it but I’m probably messing her up just like my parents messed me up.
Didn’t all of our parents mess us up? And their parents before them?
I was praised excessively as a child, but not indiscriminately. My parents made it clear – in a very loving way – that they were delighted by my successes. This was a good and bad thing, I think: good because it fostered a solid self-esteem and a drive to succeed, bad because it instilled in me a sense that I really *needed* to succeed to be, in some sense, happy. The idea that my parents might ever be disappointed in me was a powerful motivator, but also, in some ways, crippling.
Food for thought, huh.
Parental disappointment – definitely both a motivator and a handicap.
This whole narcissism thing — it is disturbing. I was not raised by praisers (let alone over-praisers) and, apart from the instinctive adoration I have for my children (which I try to keep in perspective), I don’t think I’m inclined to that trend myself. I am really put off by the culture of incessant good jobbin, wowing, hooraying, and rewarding that informs some parenting styles.
But I wonder just how self-esteem building this kind of praise is for kids or if it really leads to narcissism (rather than anger and distrust of parents). I often see a blank, uncomprehending stare — and even irritation — in the child who is overwhelmed by his parent’s lavish praise. Kids are smart and can see through insincerity pretty keenly. When I say “insincerity,” I mean the compulsion that some parents seem to have to make everything for their kids a positive and perfect experience, at the expense of reality. Because life is not like that, and kids will see what the score is — that is, which kids are better athletes, artists, etc., What I think this parenting technique leads to is that wake up moment when kids realize their parents are not all-powerful and knowing, and instead of appreciating their humanity, they then resent them for distorting their sense of self — that is, not letting it develop independently. I don’t think kids thank their parents for feeding them a reality that is not going to serve them well in the real world.
Does it lead to narcissism as well? Perhaps. But I think that assumes that the world kids’ parents created for them continues to work for them in the work place, relationships, etc. And that may be the case for excessively privileged kids, I don’t know.
I’m a relatively new blogger (6 months) and struggle with concerns that I am just a glutton for praise and attention (having perhaps not gotten enough of it in the family arena growing up). But, the fact is that I haven’t really gotten kudos yet and I still love to do it. It is important to me as a person who really values the reflective life and loves to write. Strangely, the little community I have attracted is largely composed of people who don’t really see eye to eye with me on matters of parenting, politics, culture and the arts. This is a challenge because I do have a desire to keep and satisfy the readership I have, but I also don’t want to feel beholden in any way.
In any event, blogging is a wonderful experience for me so far, and I’m going to keep it up. This site seems right up my alley (as have your comments on Her Bad Mother’s site), so you count on me visiting!
Distrust of praise – that was a point made in the NY Mag article too. I wonder if that’s related in some way to the difficulty many people have accepting compliments.
Yes, praised – but not worshiped. And therein lies the difference. I think we have an almost Victorian attitude about our children these days, that we put them on a pedestal so high that we are unable to objectively see their inherent weaknesses – and everyone has flaws. We set our kids up for failure by failing to show them that into every life a little failure comes. If they believe they are above failure, they can’t handle even the smallest disappointment.
Fantastic essay, Julie. Really fantastic, smart and balanced. And I love the new “brand.”
Great point re failure. Fear of failure (and parental disappointment, as HBM noted) can lead kids not to even try.
I wish my parents had taught me how to cope with failure instead of always expecting me to be the best. I was a bright child, so many things were easy for me to grasp. The things that I didn’t understand, I simply ignored, or had a complete nervous breakdown when forced to deal with it.
Its so hard as a parent, finding that line between self-esteem and helping your child deal with harsh realities.
I can identify with that sort of childhood panic induced by not understanding something I felt like I should have.
Lots to think about here–I’ve written briefly that as a child I was identified as gifted, both by my parents and by the school system, and I think it affects me more now than it did as a child; I often feel ashamed of my lack of ambition, instead of content with what is largely a satisfying and successful life.
Is it fair to characterize it as a lack of ambition? Seems more to me like a priority shift.
I was praised by my mother but when I think of it I recall being praised for how I looked more than what I did. She was quick to compliment an outfit but not as quick to tell me that she liked what I had written/drawn/done.
Now I’m going to spend the weekend mulling over how that has affected me over the years. Great food for thought.
Interesting, especially given the moving posts you’ve written about your mother. I wonder how she would have reacted to those.
I had the parents that thought I was superbly brilliant but never told me so. Nothing was ever good enough.
With my kids, I try to make sure that when I praise them, I give them the reason as opposed to “good job.” I think that it’s important (at first) to put them in situations where they are going to be successful and then edge them in slowly to other things where they might not completely excel.
Personality plays a big role as well, as I’m learning with my oldest.
Personality is definitely key. My own kids learn differently and respond to different forms of motivation and praise.
I tend to think that I was encouraged more than praised when I was a kid. I can remember being told to do my best and later being told that they didn’t love me for winning or losing, they loved that I just tried hard, etc. I think that falls under the “encouragement” subfolder. That said, I’m sure I did receive praise for a job well done, and I have to admit that I dish out copious amounts of praise to kids in my family, it’s just that the encouragement really stands out in my head more than the praise does for some reason.
Interesting point – the distinction between praise and encouragement. I may have to explore that one further.
oooh, it’s a fine line. I suspect I was encouraged more than praised and, now, we try to acknowledge the effort first and foremost as best we can. And hope we’re doing our own best
(love the new place!)
Doing our own best, absolutely. It’s unfair to expect our kids to give their all when they see us cutting corners.
My parents didn’t praise. It was more the opposite. In fact, I was sort of an overachiever in high school because I wanted my parents to praise my efforts. But with my family, (And I think alot of families where I grew up) it was sort of backwards. You knocked your child down if they started to excel. You criticized them for what they weren’t doing right. I think the thinking was along the lines of “you don’t want that child to get a big head.” And trust me, it worked!
So praising Seth is something that’s important to me. But its done if he’s been a good friend, he followed directions, or he’s taken care of the dog or he’s tried something new. More for character than anything else.
I’ve known a few people who were parented as you describe. Perhaps it was also due to a concern that their child wouldn’t fit in with their peers.
Oh and I love the new site! Very cool.
Oh, this is awesome.
Right this minute, I am not able to be as fully as articulate as I’d like but I have to tell you, through only wanting their kids to be HAPPY, many, many, parents have fallen into a destructive pattern of protecting/cushioning their kids from the multitude of disappointments in life. That’s why even the losing team gets trophies. Like, EVERY MEMBER of the losing team.
I think that the points about actual narcissism that are raised by the reading and your post are fascinating. I’ve never really thought about it from that perspective but I have seen SO, SO much entitlement from kids, along with sheer disbelief when being refused or corrected. I believe that most parents are well-meaning and do the best they can. I think that the type of praise that is heaped on kids comes from, among many kids, a sort of back-lash to the less ‘emotionally available’ parents of yesteryear.
But it DOES makes kids brittle. Less flexible. I think it’s okay to tell your kids that they’re special. As long as you ALSO inform them that everyone else is special too.
That sort of cushioning – where does it end? I think we all know parents who are still bailing their grown children out of messes because they can’t stand to see them hurt or fail.
Sincere encouragement – good. Dishonest praise – not so good.
With a concrete example – a math paper full of errors. “Let’s practice these together so that next time you’ll be better prepared.” – good. “You did a great job! Have a cookie.” – bad.
I was praised as a child, but not overly so. And I wasn’t arbitrarily rewarded, either — which I think is a big part of where the narcissism and sense of entitlement comes from with “kids these days.” While my friends were getting money for every A or B they got on their report card, my parents’ philosophy was that they expected me to get As and Bs because I was smart enough to do so, why should they pay me for simply living up to expectations? I knew I saw loved and I saw praised then I did well, but my family just generally isn’t very effusive so it was low key. I try to do the same with my kids, but my husband grew up in a family where the world revolved around him and his sister. They got (and get) praised for everything and were (and are) made to think they everything they do and say is inherently interesting because they are doing/saying it. Drives me nuts and I’m trying to temper that tendency of his with the pragmatism I grew up with. Tough balancing act, for sure.
Really insightful post. I’ll have to read the article and perhaps even buy the book. This is very interesting stuff to me.
My husband and I have often talked about the generation of people coming out of college these days and into the work world (we work with similar types of people). I believe these kids are called the Milleniums or something like that. What we have both noticed is that they seem to need A LOT of praise for every little thing, and a lot of hand holding to learn the job or anything new. As my husband and I both move up in management roles, we don’t have the time to hand hold or give constant praise for doing a person’s job. I believe this fits right into the “narcissism” that is being discussed and often due to this helicopter parenting and raising of this generation (by schools, sports teams, etc.). I’ve even read stories in the news about parents who have called up bosses after their adult (just out of college) child(ren) received a poor assessment/feedback and about parents who accompanied their adult (just out of college) child(ren) to job interviews. This is not helping their children become independent, contributing members of society.
Thinking back on my own childhood, I would agree with that distinction of encouragement versus praise. I definitely felt very encouraged to try things and work on things, to develop and have fun. I don’t feel I got empty praise, but definitely felt loved if I succeeded or failed. I think that has helped me become very secure in myself and my abilities. But I also got a lot of “…is smart but doesn’t apply herself” throughout school, and my parents backed up at home by not praising my intelligence but encouraging me to work on things. That actually helped me realize that I couldn’t be just smart. I had to work at things.
I hope to provide the same balance for my children, but it’s hard to know exactly where it is, isn’t it?