Growing up, my brother and I spent many weekends with our maternal grandparents. On the same street lived a family with kids – a girl and a boy – who were close enough in age to my brother and me that we played together frequently.
I never saw them fight. When they disagreed, they talked it out more rationally than most adults.
My brother and I fought like two cats in a sack, especially when we had to share close quarters like the backseat of a car or a hotel room bed. I often wondered what was wrong with Jeff and me, and more importantly, what Jennifer and Chip had that we didn’t. Perhaps they were just all-around nicer people.
Likewise, Kyle and his brothers didn’t have particularly idyllic childhood relationships. His hatred of the subtle sounds of mastication is evidence of that. And his tales of going out for dinner – three boys attacking a pizza in the manner of wild dogs – made me think twice before inviting both brothers here for Christmas.
Reading Susanna Schrobsdorff’s piece in Newsweek, “In Defense of Bickering“, made me feel better about my own childhood altercations – which persisted through high school when my brother crunched a hole in MY bedroom door – as well as my own daughters’ squabbles. In fact, my fights with my younger brother apparently helped prepare me to handle conflicts with people outside my family circle. As Schrobsdorff put it: “We bump up against our worst and best selves in the confines of our families. Arguing with siblings or cousins is how we learn to negotiate with the world.”
In other words, when we’re tussling with our brothers and sisters, we’re actually practicing conflict resolution. The same is true for our own kids when they argue with their siblings or with us. We’ve heard over and over that the reason kids test boundaries with their parents is that they feel safe enough to do so; they know we’ll still love them. Likewise, kids test out conflict resolution strategies first with their own siblings and parents before trying them on peers.
Schrobsdorff was often bothered by seeing her kids fight; she wondered if it would impact their long-term relationship with each other. I, on the other hand, expected my girls to fight, and I’ve actually been pleasantly surprised by how well they generally get along, especially since they’re nearly three years apart in age. Certainly they get frustrated with one another and sometimes retreat to their separate corners, but I’ve yet to see them try to deliberately hurt each other – either physically or with words. I’d say they’re honing their conflict resolution strategies quite well.
While I only occasionally observe firsthand Tacy’s interaction with her peers – during playdates hosted at our home, and then only when the kids aren’t holed up in Tacy’s room or down in the basement – she still tells me a great deal about the conflicts that inevitably arise. But it’s usually an offhand mention, followed by an explanation of the resolution. Likewise, she’s not shy about expressing her views. Her “live and let live” outlook doesn’t preclude conflict, but rather allows for it as a natural result of the differences between people. I don’t know how (or if) we conveyed this lesson to her, but I hope we can do the same for CJ and Oliver.
Schrobsdorff comes to the same conclusion that fighting is natural and normal, much more so than popping in a set of ear buds and avoiding conflict by ceasing to interact – the present-day equivalent of covering your ears and singing la-la-la-la-la-la-la. Adults might still use technology to avoid conflicts (e.g., screening calls, breaking up via email, leaving anonymous blog comments), but in most cases we’ve got to face the music, as will our children. Better to give our children the conflict resolution skills they need than placate them just to keep the peace; at least that’s what I tell myself when the girls’ screeching reaches ultrasonic levels.
So perhaps it wasn’t that Jennifer and Chip were nicer people than Jeff and me, but that they didn’t expect to agree all the time and were therefore better prepared to work through those disagreements – which in turn kept the peace better than any electronic device ever could.
How did you handle conflict – with your siblings, parents, friends – as a child? Have your conflict resolution strategies improved since then?
Well, I wanted to comment on your awesome Oprah post but what the heck, chime in here instead. I just wrote about physical fighting over on my blog, but what you say makes sense. I never fought with my siblings, and my mom hated it with a passion when they fought. I sat in the middle (and was a middle child) to be a buffer. And alas my husband was so much younger than his siblings he didn’t fight. And we both totally suck at conflict resolution. It’s been a slow process for us to learn it, and we still aren’t very good.
I’ve read lots of places that conflict between siblings is good and normal, and was happy to stop stepping in when my boys argue. My favorite thing in the world is to listen t o them play together, but much of the time can deal with the bickering without letting it stress me out.
What a rough spot for you as a kid, both literally and figuratively.
Hey, I like the new digs! Mind if I grab a Fat Tire out of the fridge? *puts feet on coffee table*
We’ve got a wide selection of New Belgium brews in there – go for it!
I was/am really bad about avoiding conflict, although I have gotten a lot better about sticking up for myself since I became a mother. But because I don’t like that trait in myself I do remind my children often that they can and should use their words, express their feelings (appropriately, of course), and just generally not take crap from anyone, including each other.
Motherhood definitely diminishes the shrinking violet in us.
This is so good to hear. Especially while simultaneously hearing my twins fighting.
My brother and I got along super-well. We hardly ever fought at all, nor did my parents fight. And as an adult, I am almost unable to handle conflict.
See, you have healthy children!
I don’t really remember any major fighting between me, my brother and/or sister, but I do know that we did have squabbles. We’d bicker about things (especially my sis and me, who were closer in age than my bro and me), and even yelled at each other. While I wouldn’t say our personalities are extremely different, we definitely have some major differences. And we were expected to work it out with each other in general without being too mean. In fact, I think we did pretty good with conflict resolution with each and now as adults.
We never ever physically fought or even called each other names! I don’t know how you keep kids from doing those things, but I hope to replicate those rules somehow. I once asked my mom and dad how they kept us from calling each other names, and they both just looked at me and said, “You just weren’t allowed.” Hmmm. How does that happen?
I don’t think we were allowed either, but it didn’t stop us from calling names or beating the crap out of each other. There’s got to be something more to it.
Love the new blog and the topics. Really nice.
I am a middle child so I bickered with my older sister while my younger brother and I had full on physical fights, I sat on him while he pulled my hair. And my mom, always told us to sort it out between us. I never thought of it as helping me with my conflict resolution skills but it totally did!